Tuesday, September 8, 2009

End of week one results...

Hi all,

I have finished out my first week and Monday's weight was 263 lbs...that is a 5 lb. loss for the week. I am very pleased with that. It's nice to be moving in the right direction.

I ended up eating plain old food all weekend, but I was able to keep it in check. The five days of shakes helped with that. I could have done better...but progress not perfection, as they say.

Tony, Helen, and I went to a cider mill on Saturday. It was nice, There were lots of farm animals. Tony tried to show Helen a goat, but she was more interested in napping. The ducks were especially cute. Later that day we saw a rainbow! My first one since moving to Washington. I'll try to post some pics from Saturday.

Anyway, about the weekend...it feels like a punishment not eating on the weekends. It just didn't feel right. My goal is to get to a place where eating doesn't mean indulging though. I did have an apple fritter on Saturday. Yeah, it was warm and the cider mill is supposedly famous for them. Not an excuse, I know. It was good. I also had some really good blackberry cider. I could have really gone nuts after thast, but I didn't. So, good for me.

I remember when a big weekend treat (at the peak of my weight loss) was a turkey/veggie sandwich on whole grain bread and a tea with cream from Tim Horton's, followed by a hike as a reward...lol. Wow. I'll get back to that feeling some day.

So, five pounds down, and a little less crazy in the head when it comes to food. I hope everyone is doing well. I meant to post yesterday, but the day got away from me. Better a little late than never.

Plan for the week...shakes through Friday, followed by sensible eating on Saturday and Sunday. I'd like to get through the weekend without eating any sweets. AS for exercise...two one mile loops around the neighborhood daily instead of last week's one...very doable.

Take care, and see you next Monday,


Saturday, September 5, 2009

It's Friday night, and I made it through another day. I think I'm going to start posting once a week. Thank-you guys for seeing me through this week. It is so nice to know people are rooting for me. I'm going to post on Monday whether I make it through the weekend or not, and on Monday's thereafter. I actually feel calm and capable of doing this, at least more so than I have felt in a long time. It feels so nice to have even a fraction of my old confidence back.

I'll be back on Monday...I'm making that promise to myself. :0)


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Day 4...

I am happy that I have made it this long. I know I possess great self control, it's just hard as heck to tap into it. Today was pretty ok. It was tough, but a bit easier than the past three days. I am cautiously optimistic. :0) Four days of this...wow.

I'm trying to think of fun things to do that'll replace the food. I've gotten used to eating as my main form of recreation. Like, the weekends were all about going out to eat and getting my morning Starbuck's. Oh yeah, the evil Mermaid got ahold of me again. Anyway, I'm trying to make a plan for this weekend. I think I might take Helen for a walk at Greenlake (this park in Seattle). Hubby is busy so it'll just be her and I. I guess I'm worried about not being in the protective bubble of the house. Am I that bad off that I can't go on an outing without it being about the food? I broke that habit before, but it took awhile. If I can go out without eating at least once I'll prove to myself that I can do it.

Deb was talking about sunrises in her blog. Funny thing, I've been going out to see the sunset in the evenings for the past four days (they are beautiful here, orange skies against the silouhette of the mountains). That's so much nicer than an evening binge. In general, I've been thinking about things that I enjoy doing a lot more since I've been doing the shakes. All of the food was numbing my senses. Eek.

Night all,


Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I've made it through day three. The cravings come in waves. I'll feel an almost unbearable urge to eat off plan, but I've noticed that if I can manage to sit for a couple minutes and chill the feeling passes. I've just been pushing through somehow. It has really hit home just how long I have gone without taking any difinitive action towards weight loss. I've been eating what I want whenever I want, and just accepting the consequences...feeling guilty, but accepting them.

The simplicity helps. Let's face it, it's nice not having to cook for myself or wash up after. It also helps that protein shakes are totally nonstimulating. Grainy vanilla flavored water just doesn't trigger me. The temporary fix is workin for now. The test will come when I go back on solids.

To answer Deb's question, walks seem to be one of the few things that will calm Helen. She likes motion...walking, drives, being carried. Now, if I could always keep her moving that would be great. She sometimes likes her swing for a little while, but mommy powered motion is her favorite. :0)

Anyway, I feel a little stronger this evening.

Take care guys,


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day 2...

I made it through day two on plan. Helen has been crying pretty regularly since around 7 p.m., so things got a little hairy there. Hot tea with a splash of 2% milk really helps. I'm drinking decaffeinated so I should be able to pass out any minute now.

Sooooooo tired. Oh, did a one mile walk with fussy pants as well.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Crumbs of Bagels Past...Day 1

I made it through today on plan. I am exhausted, stressed, and could easily polish off several thousand calories without batting an eyelash, but I did it. I seriously cannot recall the last time I had an entire on plan day.

I am not literally hungry. I have head hunger. The shakes are doing what I was hoping they'd do...all of a sudden healthy food isn't sounding so bad.

I vacuumed my car today. It was way past time because the crumbs of many, many ill gotten chonga bagels from Starbuck's had accumulated in the upholstery. It was kinda symbolic, sucking them up like that on day one.

Thank-you Sparky, Deb, Zurple, and Angie. Your support and advice is very much appreciated.

I walked about a mile today with Helen as usual. I'm taking it slow for now so as not to get overwhelmed.

On to day two.

Sunday Night, Finally Made a Friggin Video!

Can you believe it!? I finally grew a pair and made a video...I'm feeling a little feisty right now. It was hard, and I watched it several times in disbelief at how much weight I have gained. There is something about seeing yourself on camera that makes it all seem real. Like tight clothes and visible tummy rolls weren't an adequate indication? Oh well, here I am. I took a positive step by making that video. I finally came out of hiding.

After careful consideration, and a doctor's advice, I have decided to try HMR meal replacement shakes. My calories will not be crazy low, and the exercise has to be moderate. I just can't make weight loss a full time job again. That's ok. I got the idea of doing HMR from the book: "My Big Fat Greek Diet" The author is a doctor who weighed 465 lbs. He seems like a very kind and stable person who had a horrible food addiction. He did the HMR shakes himself, and got his life under control. It's a great book...check it out!

So, I weigh 268 lbs. I stopped breastfeeding because Helen was rejecting my milk. All of a sudden it was ok to eat unhealthy things now and then...yeah right. The same old slippery slope. I went from 238 lbs. to 268 in the blink of an eye. So depressing. None of my clothes fit, and I'm starting to have some of the same problems I had at 350 lbs.

It stops now! I start my shakes in the morning. I will write in this blog each day...if only a sentence in order to stay accountable and stay in the correct mindset. It's too easy to sweep good intentions under the rug.

What I know...tomorrow will be difficult. I will want to quit by 10 a.m. I'll have to go through withdrawals. But, after a few days I will start to feel better...more energetic, less bloated, and the cravings will taper.

Why not just eat healthy food in moderation instead of shakes? I am so far off the deep end at this point that I will binge on anything. Shakes that contain the proper protein/fat/carb ratio with a reasonable calorie content will allow me to reset. I need to stop eating "food" all together at this point. It's sad, but just about anything sets me off right now. It's been like this for a long while, and 300 lbs. is just around the corner. Sometimes I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night thinking about it.

As for exercise, I bought a membership to the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. It's a great place to walk with the baby waby. Unfortunately there is no one who can watch Helen so that I can get to a gym. That's ok. I'll have to rely on walks and exercising at home for now.

Ok, here I go...


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Miss Fuss Budget

Ok, I meant to update before now...I truly did. As I sit here hooked up to an electric breast pump (can we say multi tasking?) I am listening to my little girl scream her cute little head off and waiting for my nipples to finish sterilizing in the microwave. Have I mentoned that it's 1 a.m.???

Things have been crazy and good. Thanks to everyone for the nice comments on my last post. It was really nice to hear from everyone. So much has been happening. I love being a mom, but I think I may have the fussiest baby this side of creation. Helen seems to be rejecting my breast milk and we have been trying different thinggs like ommiting certain foods from my diet, baby zantac in case it's reflux, mylicon in case it's gas, gripe water, and finally formula. She seems to be doing better, she was making these constant grunting/gagging sounds before. The pediatrician seems stumped.

Anyway, the child can cry...up tp several hours at a time, and often doesn't sleep at night...which means I don't sleep at night. All part of being a new mom I know. I do hope she grows out of this though. I have been trying all sorts of soothing techniques from the happiest baby on the block video, but the only thing that really soothes her is if I am constantly holding her.

She is my sweet girl though. I have lots of nick names for her...Baby Boo Boo for when she's crabby, and Miss Marple for when she looks thoughtful or perturbed. Yeah, I need to get out more. Tony was able to get the stroller put together yesterday ( I couldn't get past step one) so I will be taking some much needed walks. MY you and your newborn group starts July 23rd. How I'm gonna get there once a week at 10 a.m. remains a mystery.

So I really have an urge to make a video for the first time in like a year. I don't even want to say it and then not do it, but it seems like a good idea to maybe try one and then see. I'm feeling ready to get back on the wagon. The weight has pretty much been holding steady with all the breast pumping, running around, and sleep deprivation. Cool beans.

Hope you are all well.


p.s. how can I get my daughter to chill?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sorry this has to be quick. I had Helen by c-secton on May 22nd at 1:58 a.m. after laboring for 48 hours. She is still in the special care nursery. We are both fine, but she had an infection in her blood (they have been treating her with iv antibiotics since then), and I had some complications with my surgery. My incision burst open and I have/had about 3 liters of fluid in my stomach. The open incision has to be packed twice daily for 4-6 weeks so that it can drain. Tony does it. He has been great. He not only cleans and packs my wound, but figured out a way to do it so that it hurts less. He even fed me when I was too out of it and in pain at the beginning to feed myself. I basically didn't sleep at all for almost a week and started to hallucinate. The doctors didn't realize that all the pain was coming from the fluid putting pressure on the incision. My recovery has been extremely difficult.

I have barely gotten to see Helen in two weeks...just a small visit everyday. She comes home on Friday evening, and I am still rushing to get things ready for her. I was never able to establish breastfeeding because of this. I use an electric pump that I rented from the hospital every three hours around the clock. I never knew it was possible to be this exhausted. I'm going to try straight forward breastfeeding once she comes home, but I'm not getting my hopes up. It would be soooo much more convenient than the pumping/storing/cleaning everything etc.

Bottom line though, Helen is fine. Better than fine. She was born weighing 6 lbs. 5 oz. at 5 1/2 weeks premature. It took her four minutes to breathe on her own though. I can't even explain what it was like lying on that table waiting ti hear her cry. Any future births will have to be by cesarean because of the incision they used...so yeah, I'm thinkin one will be plenty. She's a doll. Oh, and has auburn hair.

I'll update when I can.


Monday, May 18, 2009

Plugging along

Not much to report here, but I thought I'd check in. I'm doing pretty well...I've started setting up little Helen's nursery, and I have an overwhelming urge to throw things away and organize...seriously, it's getting out of hand. Problem is, I can't lift heavy things myself anymore, so I have to wait for opportune times to hit Tony up for a little help. On that note, he put the crib together on Saturday. LOL...it wasn't too bad except for a little snafu with a screw that wouldn't go in all the way...it set us back about 45 minutes! I think it took longer to unpack the thing than to put it together. It's a beautiful white convertible crib though...very sturdy.

One of Tony's co workers sent over a big box a baby clothes...all girl stuff (and nice). He and his wife are due in September, and all her friends gave her girl things...they just found out they are having a boy. They are the first hand me downs I've received...I don't know, I got a little emotional. I'm such a dork, but it was nice that he thought of us.

A cool thing happened about 4am last night...I was lying in bed trying to get comfortable (as usual) and Helen was moving around like crazy. So, I turned on my back for just a sec to take pressure of of my poor hip when I thought I saw some movement. I shined a light on my stomach, and I had my first alien baby experience. I could totally see Helen moving around from the outside! I had been waiting for that to happen. With the extra padding I think it took longer for me to experience this. Wow, it was really, really neat.

Anyway, class was good tonight, we swaddled dolls, and listened to a live recording of a baby crying for a couple minutes to get a feel for it. A couple minutes I can handle, I'm more worried about her being colicky and crying for a couple hours. My last class is June 1st ( we skip Memorial Day). I'm a little sad to see it end actually. Sorry guys, like I said, I've got a one track mind right now.

Food has been a bit better...organized exercise (other than housework etc.)is practically nonexistent. I guess I should at least do a little. I feel so darn tired and lazy. I planned on sucking it up and going for a short walk tonight, but it's pouring out. I guess I could get the umbrella...the enthusiasm for physical fitness must be oozing off of the computer screen right now?

Well, please send some non lazy thoughts my way. I could use them. Hope you are all well.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Overdue Update...

Sorry for the long absence, but I have been a busy bee over here. Lots has been going on. The big news is that I got married on May 2nd. Tony and I ended up having a very simple ceremony in the office of a retired judge in our city. When I say simple, I mean simple. It was just the two of us, the judge, and two supplied witnesses. That allowed us to truly keep things low key. It's almost impossible to invite one or two guests to a wedding...the whole marriage domino effect. This was nice, and more importantly, short. I was just about 32 weeks along on our wedding day, nauseous, and huge...lol. Not exactly the picture of a blushing bride, but very happy.

After the ceremony we had a very nice dinner at a restaurant on the water, and then ended up spending two days in Ocean Shores, WA...on the ocean of course. It was beautiful there, and we plan taking little Helen there next summer. It ended up that Mt. Rainier was a bit rustic for a preggy lady.

I've been in full nesting mode. As a first time mom I reserve the right to obsess a little about the furniture etc. that I buy for Helen. So, I did a lot of research and ended up ordering just about everything I need from Babies R Us. I placed all the orders in person, and then had to go through a huge rigmarole tracking the items down and getting them there all at once so that Tony and I could rent a Uhaul and pick it all up. It got accomplished though, and we picked all the big items up on Saturday...crib, mattress, dress/changer combo, travel system, pack and play, high chair, and glider with ottoman...phew! I can see how having a shower would be a huge advantage for first time parents...this stuff is expensive. Still, I've had fun gathering things.

My mind and days are pretty much occupied with the baby. I'll be going to my 5th prenatal class on Monday night. So far, it's all about the childbirth part...I was hoping for more of an emphasis on infant care, but our instructor is great...very enthusiastic and more than willing to answer questions. The best part is that I get a back rub at the end of each class during the breathing exercises. :0) Our classmates are all very nice, but the atmosphere is still a bit stiff. I think that's because the class runs from 7-9 pm on Monday nights, and everyone is exhausted...lots of yawning and uncomfortable looking pregnant women shifting around constantly, me included.

So, basically that's my life right now. My first trimester nausea came back in the third trimester, and I actually caught myself waddling the other day! It's getting really tough to do even basic things, like bending over, and when I try to reach for something on a shelf my tummy gets in the way. I huff and puff all the time, hiccup constantly, and have chronic heartburn and yes, constipation. Still, I can be feeling all icky and then the overwhelming realization that I'll have my baby soon washes over me and I experience intense joy. It's an interesting mix of emotions.

My only regret is that I've gained so much weight during this pregnancy. I will probably have to relose a good 50-60 pounds by the time all is said and done. No doubt that regaining old weight sucks to high hell...there's no use sugar coating it. I am just looking forward to being an active mom (once I get to sleep again from what I hear) and slowly taking the weight back off.

As exciting as rapid weight loss is, that's not an option for me anymore. No way I'll be working out 3+ hours a day, and I can't restrict my calories all that much if I'm breastfeeding. I've been wrapping my mind around this during my entire pregnancy. Only I can fully understand my own psychology, so I wouldn't be surprised if people don't understand why someone who can manage a seven pound loss week after week, can't stick to 2,000 calories per day. Success becomes it's own addiction. I didn't start my weight loss that way, but gained momentum beyond my own imagiination. Honestly, I loved it...feeling so powerful. Shedding all of that fat was like being reborn, or released from prison. Maybe similar to recovering from some debilitating disease that robs you of your mobility for years.

I look back and it all seems like a dream. At this point, I would love to eat a healthy amount of food on a daily basis...stopping the unnesecary weight gain would be a huge accomplishment right now. It has become very clear to me, once again, that there aren't any words that someone can say to make things click for a person who is struggling to gain control of their eating.

I remember when I was very involved in gut2cut...all sorts of people would write me desperate for answers. I spent a lot of time trying to help those people...writing out meal plans, exercise routines, little psychological tools that I would use etc. But, it has to be the right time for each individual person, and the determination has to come from within. All of the little tools are important, understanding nutrition is important, having a support system of some kind is important, but each person has to supply their own spark. I can't save anyone else except myself, and noone can save me.

Ok, a little more stream of consciousness there. I hope whoever reads this is doing well and feeling happy.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Third Trimester :0)

I finally hit my third trimester on Sunday...28 weeks and 2 days along as of today. I hear that this trimester is the biggie (literally and figuratively). I'm feeling pretty good. My contractions have tapered off a bit...I don't know why, but I don't mind either. Helen is moving around lots, and I'm tired as usual.

Lots has been going on. I just got a brand new Yaris. It's the cutest car ever! It looks like a little black jelly bean, is extremely economical, and has great reviews. I think it was a very wise decision. Thanks to my fiance for that. It's very nice to be able to drive to appointments etc.

We picked out our wedding rings on Saturday. Also very economical, but perfect for our tastes. Mine is a simple white gold band with little diamond and Sapphire chips. There was an insane sale at Kohl's. They should be ready in less than a month.

I'm meeting with pediatricians now. I had my first meeting today. I really liked the doc, but want to meet with one more at least, just to be sure. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with my obgyn.

Now I just need to work out the details of how one gets married and changes her name. I really don't know how to do this (thank goodness for the Internet). I've been so busy that I haven't gotten around to it yet. We're shooting for sometime around the end of this month, or the beginning of May at the latest. I guess I've been thinking about the honeymoon more than the actual wedding...I'm such a slacker, but that's just because I love to see new places. I think we may stay somewhere in or near the Rainier National Park. I can walk down the street and see Mt. Rainier on a clear day. It's massive from here, but then I found out that the park is like two hours away! I asked my fiance what it must be like when your actually there and he said in all seriousness: "Bigger." Smart ass. :0)

As for fitness...yeah well. Not much to report besides an ever expanding behind. Seriously, I never had a huge butt before, but my shape is different than it was pre pregnancy. I'm all stomach and rear. I am walking more though again. That's always positive.

That's about it for an update. I have bought a few newborn short sleeved onesies (pink and girly of course) but that's about all. I'm getting excited to start setting up Helen's nursery.

I hope you are all well.


Saturday, March 28, 2009


I just wanted to do a quick update and say that the baby is fine. I went to the doctor yesterday and had a very thorough exam. They also did a fetal fiber something or other test which came back negative...this is positive, and even gave me the results the same afternoon.

I'm very relieved. The doctor just said to rest when I get the Braxton Hicks contractions, and:"Stop eating so much." LOL...for her that was very nice, she left it at that because I think she knew I had a bad scare. Sage advice though...I don't know why I hadn't thought of that already. :0)

Anyway, I'm just happy that Helen is fine, and I also got to hear her heartbeat, which is always nice.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

A Scary Day

Ugh, today at about 4:30 pm I lost my mucous plug. I'm certain it was the plug and not just (sorry if this is gross) discharge of some kind like pregnant women sometimes have. As far as I knew, losing the plug means that you are about to go into labor. Needless to say I was extremely upset. I just kept thinking: "No, this can't happen."

I called my doctor and talked to a nurse practitioner, not before bursting into tears on the phone with the receptionist though. So, losing the plug doesn't necessarily mean I'm going into early labor, but seeing that I've been having the Braxton Hicks so frequently they are having me come in tomorrow at 12:30 to make sure I'm not dilating.

I feel like shit, totally physically and emotionally drained. I wish this hadn't happened, but the main thing is to avoid preterm labor. I'm not even 27 weeks yet. There's a chance the baby would make it, but I don't even want to think about what a struggle that would be. I'm trying to stay calm, but it's hard. I already love my baby.

I guess losing the mucous plug this early can happen to some women. There's not a whole lot of information about it on the web. The what to expect when your expecting book talks about it happening either shortly before labor, or days or weeks before...not this early though. I guess it's there in the first place to protect the baby from infection. I'll see what happens tomorrow. The nurse said they may put me on some medication to stop the contractions.

I keep getting asked how many contractions I have in an hour, but it is really difficult to keep track. It's more about how active I am. Physical activity of any kind seems to be what sets them off. They do go away when I rest though. I just need to be able to articulate this clearly tomorrow so that the doctor gets it. Ok, I'm just talking in circles now. I think I need to go to bed. I'll update tomorrow when I get some news.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Gettin Stuff Done

Hi to Jinx and Sparky...thanks for the comments. In response to Jinxy's comment: I'm 26 weeks and one day along now. The contractions are still going strong. The doc knows my walking routine and doesn't seem concerned, but then again, she seems like the type that thinks all pregnant women exaggerate their aches and pains. Honestly though, I have been lazy as heck in terms of formal exercise. The pain is all too good of an excuse. It's hard to know where to draw the line, but I think asking her whether or not I should be taking the walks is probably a good idea. I think the bottom line in her opinion is that I don't gain too much weight.

I'm still working with my OA sponsor which is nice. It's like touching base with sanity (in terms of food) on a daily basis. It also helps to know that no matter how far off the deep end I've gone, someone else out there has been there and done that. I'm not alone.

My very early morning conversations with her weren't working time wise. I was interrupting my sleep and walking around like a zombie all day. For my whole life, no matter how hard I try, I have not been a morning person. I can and have done it, but am never at my best. I thought that I might have to stop the calls, and my sponsor pointed out to me that I was doing something that was very common to compulsive overeaters, and all people with compulsions for that matter. I was catastrophising the situation. Like it had to be all or nothing, and I immediately assumed the worst case scenario (ending my relationship with her). She kind of laughed in a nice way and said: "How about just asking me to change our call time?"
It was simple as that, and now we talk at 8 pm every evening instead of 6:45 am.

In other news, my fiance (I should be calling him that now, since our wedding will most likely take place in May) just got his new car, which has freed up the other car for me to use, which will soon be replaced with a Yaris of my very own! Wheels at last, and I have to admit I'm excited. I can't say I love the bus, even in this area, it's still the bus. It will be very nice to be able to drive to my doctor's appointments and do other errands etc., especially now that I'm starting to feel like a beach ball with legs.

In case anyone wonders, we are having a very simple service in front of a judge, just the two of us. There are far more important things to spend money on right now. Still, I am a girl...maybe we'll renew our vows in a decade or something. As for a honeymoon, we will probably just drive somewhere pretty and stay overnight. I said I don't care where as long as there is a jacuzzi tub in the room for me to soak in. That would be vacation enough in my opinion. :0)

That's pretty much all the news for now. I am going to try and take a little walk, and then hit the hay.


Monday, March 16, 2009


Not much to report on the food front...I'm managing not to go off the deep end and binge. I'm pretty happy with that right now. Baby steps. That's how I got started on a healthy path in the first place. I ALWAYS want to dive right in and be perfect. Nope.

The big issue on my mind right now is the fact that I am contracting all the time, and have been for the past seven weeks or so. It started as just the tiniest tightening in my uterus, and has progressed in frequency and strength. It downright hurts at times, and I get a burning sensation in my abdomen and back with it.

I know these are Braxton Hicks contractions...just my body's way of preparing itself for childbirth, but they are really interfering with my walks. At first I could ignore them, but now they are strong enough to stop me in my tracks. They start up with barely any activity at all now too. Just getting up off the couch, doing dishes, standing in one place for more than a couple minutes, etc. Today, I walked to the grocery store and had such sharp pains that I had to call my boyfriend and have him pick me up.

I guess I'm just venting, but I'm a little concerned too. I spoke to my doctor about this at my 20 week appointment, and then I spoke to the nurse practitioner about it at my 24 week appointment. The doc seemed unconcerned, and the nurse said to call if I get more than four in an hour. I told her they happen constantly. She suggested lying down and drinking a glass of water, and said if they don't go away when I rest, I should call.

This pregnancy stuff is stressful. I'm really thinking one time will do it for me, my boyfriend agrees. I just don't know if my poor old abused body could take it again. My main concern is that little Helen can hold out until at least 37 weeks. I'd like her to stay nice and warm for as long as possible.

To keep up with some kind of exercise routine I'm thinking that I will do one loop, and then rest at home for a few minutes, or even spread them throughout the day., eventhough the contractions start as soon as I'm out the door. I don't know. It doesn't get much lower impact than walking.

That's about it for now. Hope you are all well. :0)


Thursday, March 12, 2009

I Didn't Binge

I wrote that whole dramatic post on Tuesday morning about not wanting to binge after my appointment, and I never said whether or not I binged. Well, I did not binge. I ate hearty for sure, healthy on plan foods. I feel proud of that little accomplishment. Yesterday was good as well. Today is tough. I woke up craving blueberry muffins and bacon. No way in hell I'm gonna go and buy blueberry muffins and bacon...the thoughts are there though. Is that pregnancy, compulsive overeating, or both? LOL.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Today, I want to Break an Unhealthy Pattern

Like the title says: "Today, I WANT to break an unhealthy pattern." I have an obgyn appointment this morning at 10:50 am. Here's the usual pattern for the past four months (I don't want to make it five)...I see the doctor, she lectures me about my weight gain for the duration of the appointment, I get upset inside like I said before, I leave the appointment and stop off at the grocery store on the way home where I buy binge supplies, I binge.

I clearly recognize that what goes through my head on the way to the store is pure garbage. It's my addiction, compulsion, etc. talking. I think that today is the furthest point from my next appointment, so, I'll have plenty of time to erase any damage that this "one" binge may do. I think that NEXT month I'll show her, heck, I'll be so good that I may even lose a pound or two from all the healthy living. I think that this one binge will surely satisfy me, and I won't do it again and again throughout the month.

Reality check...there is no such thing as a satisfying binge! Compulsive overeating/binge eating disorder (whatever you may call it) is a progressive illness. One binge begets another and another. These faulty thoughts run through my mind because I am searching for a way to justify bingeing right now.

This may seem so obvious, but in the moment these justifications are compelling, and feel irresistible. Today, I want to break this pattern. I do not want to binge or even eat excessively after my appointment. I planned ahead by making sure I had my favorite "on plan" foods in the house. This is kind of an incentive. I also made sure that there isn't a thing in the world I need from the grocery store today. My plan is to get off at my bus stop after the appointment, walk straight home, and make a meal.

I talked to my sponsor about my plan this morning. If I need to, I will call another member of the group, but I haven't embraced the phone yet. I feel really weird calling people I barely know and discussing my personal demons, but if that's what it takes...I know I probably won't do it though...maybe...I don't know yet. Part of the program is that I develop a willingness to do what it takes to stay abstinent. I haven't done that yet.

Ok, I needed to put this plan in black and white this morning. I needed to write what goes through my mind right before this particular kind of binge in order to underscore the futility and irrationality of it. It feels good to be honest.


Monday, March 9, 2009

My Dissapearing Act

First off, a special hi to Heather, Deb, Amy, and Angie. Well, I seem to have perfected the disappearing act. No excuses, no shame...just another day of trying to make healthy choices. I guess it has been almost two months since my last post...lol...or should I say it has been almost two months since my last confession? :0)
As usual, there have been many ups and downs. Some days I downright binge...upwards of maybe 6,000 calories or so in a day. It's not at all easy for me to write this. Other days, I behave like a perfectly rational human being. What I do not do is restrict calories. I am painfully aware that bingeing is not at all healthy for the baby. I also know that calorie restriction (my whacked out brand of calorie restriction) would be even worse, so I have not, and will not go there.
The binge/extreme diet cycle went on for maybe six months before I found out I was pregnant. It gets real old, let me tell you. Since I no longer diet, but still binge, I have put on weight. I'm guessing I weigh around 240 lbs. at this point. I will do my scheduled weigh-in on Tuesday morning. Pissy lectures from my obgyn have become a monthly ritual. I basically hold my tongue and try not to burst into tears in front of that woman. I know it is her job to advise me not to gain too much weight during pregnancy. But, I wish she would say her peace, do her professional duty, and shut up about it, instead of making me feel like garbage throughout the entire appointment. I feel like screaming at her that I am a compulsive over eater, and am totally out of control...that I don't know when/how/if I will regain any kind of sanity with this any time soon. I just do my best to manage this thing day by day.
I get very tired of thinking about this (compulsive eating) all the time. The constant struggle is exhausting. That's why I disappear. I know isolating hurts...it doesn't help, but at times I just want to be left alone with the food. It's sad and frightening, but true.
This is such a downer post, but I do have some positive news to report though. I joined OA (Overeater's Anonymous) about three weeks ago, and was immediately approached by a woman around my age with two young ones of her own who offered to be my sponsor. I never would have sought out a sponsor on my own. I find it almost impossible to ask people for help. Since one of my biggest issues is the fact that I isolate when I'm "in the food" this is a positive thing. I call her six mornings each week at a scheduled time, and we talk for ten minutes. We talk about whether or not I was on plan the day before, whether I have a plan for today, and any issues or feelings that arise. Then, she gives me a reading/writing assignment to complete for the day. I have not misses a scheduled phone call since joining the group. I haven't stuck with anything that consistently for a long time. I still eat way off plan some days (definitely in a compulsive way) but without such a frenzy. I'm having more reasonable days, and less crazy days. What I'm not consistent with is making the 8:30 am meeting each Saturday. I've been to two, and missed two. Chalk that up to part exhaustion, laziness, and lack of commitment.

Like I have said before: "I will never stop working at this."

Other than the whole delightful food obsession/numbing out thing my life has actually been pretty good. I am 24 weeks pregnant as of today (Sunday). I have been feeling the baby move since my 21st week, and I LOVE that! It is the coolest feeling, and I like to talk to her a little bit when she's especially active, which is often. I found out that I am having a girl during my 20 week ultrasound. That was February 11th. I posted a picture of her giving a thumbs up on this page. I hope anyone who reads this can make it out. Her dad picked her name (Helen Antigone). We've been calling her little Helen since before we knew her gender. I plan on starting the whole process of buying baby furniture/necessities when I'm 30 weeks along. I hope that won't be cutting it too close. I just took an infant/child CPR course at my local fire station, and I start my prenatal classes on April 13th. I've signed up for three...comprehensive childbirth and infant care, breastfeeding, and one that meets for five weeks after the baby is born. I think these classes will increase my chances of meeting other moms in the area. I’m scared, but excited. I think I’ll be just fine as long as I’m able to get out there and make a friend or two.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. I hope you are all well. Here’s to better days ahead.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Crazy Sweet Tooth

Hi all,

I just came back from my walk and it was a good one. As long as I don't skip any nights (which I still do sometimes) my time seems to improve a little each day. I walked the four miles in just barely over an hour, and I was pleased with that, considering my huffing and puffing.

My food and water were both great today. My sodium was nice and low too. For lunch I ate a fresh sliced red bell pepper, hummus, wheat crackers, and an apple. It didn't "sound" good while I was making it, but once I started to eat it was delicious. I think that veggies seem more gross than they actually are. Like, I may not crave them right now, but after the first bite I remember that I actually like them. I had romaine lettuce and my sodium free black eyed pea recipe for dinner, and another apple. I ate a ton of cherries this morning. My boyfriend happened upon an unusually good sale the other day and bought them for me.

I have been hitting the fruit pretty hard the past few days. I know this is because I am craving sweets like a crazy person. My cravings are so intense at times that I think I won't be able to take it. I want candy etc. So, I'm eating extra fruit and it seems to be helping. There was a time when I would only allow myself one fruit per day, now doesn't seem to be the time for that!

So, all in all a very good day. I was pretty sick this morning an afternoon though. My headache has been pretty bad. Fortunately, I have felt good for the past few hours. I hope the headache stays away. It's late, but I'm about to fill out the necessary forms for registering for my hospital stay when I have the baby. I've been procrastinating, and now it's time to just get it done already. :0)


Long Time No Post :0)

Sorry for the extended absence. I'm not disappearing again though. I can see not taking the time to shoot and upload videos, but blogging a few sentences is just too darn easy. No excuses.

First, good news...I went to the OBGYN last Thursday and found out that I only gained one pound. Considering that was for the entire Christmas season, I was very pleased. My doctor actually cracked a smile too and gave me a high five...LOL. Also, I was scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound on February 11th, where I will find out the sex of the baby! I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat again on Thursday. It was 160 bpm, and the doc said once again that it sounds like a girl. I LOVE hearing the baby's heartbeat. I float along for the rest of the day, and I wish I could hear it everyday.

Since my last post I have been doing pretty well. My boyfriend and I have started the daunting task of downsizing, to be followed by rearranging, and finally purchasing things that the baby will need. Downsizing is a pretty tough first step, as it involves clearing out a storage unit, selling and shipping some things, donating others, and throwing out the rest. We are trying to get rid of the storage unit all together because it's $100.00 a month down the drain. The furniture in the apartment needs to be rearranged, and the back den/exercise room will be a bedroom. Our small indoor/outdoor closets will just have to do. We are thinking of adding some kind of storage wall unit, but they are all pretty pricey. Still, it would pay for itself in about a year. Sheesh. I guess this is nesting?

All of this activity is pretty exhausting to a headachey insomniac like myself. On a positive note, my boyfriend bought me this awesome looking pregnancy pillow. It is shaped like a giant rectangle. The woman lies in the empty center and it is supposed to cradle the entire body. I'm not all that pregnant yet, but my hips are sore from trying to make sure I sleep on my side. Plus, my stomach was big to begin with, and is looking much rounder these days. I would say I am definitely starting to show, especially when I'm looking at my naked tummy area in the mirror. :0) So, any extra support and comfort would be much appreciated. It should get here on Monday in time for my b-day.

The walking is good. I did my four miles yesterday and today, plus walks to the store. So, that's about five miles each day. My food today was excellent, yesterday was good, Saturday was lumped all into one meal (never a good idea). All in all, I'm doin ok. I have been listening to more Stuart McLean stories during my walks, and I was laughing so hard today that I was crying. I love comedy, but it is often times pretty raunchy, which doesn't bother me too much. I will still enjoy it, but it's nice that this stuff is so hilarious and pretty PG.

Oh, I had two separate doctor's appointments last week, which contributed to my silence. They are morning appointments. After sleepless nights, and getting to and from on the bus, I was pretty wiped out. I found out my thyroid is still under active, so the doc upped my dosage of medication.

Other than that, I have been wrestling with the insurance provider trying to find out definitively which prenatal testing is covered. They literally seem to be unable to tell me with 100% certainty, and I think it's on purpose so more people opt out of it. I have been calling back and forth from labs to the insurance company tracking down procedure codes, tax id numbers, bill charge amounts, and diagnosis codes. It's kind of insane, but one mistake and I'm sent a $1,500 bill for a test that isn't even 100% accurate anyways. What the heck to women do? I've already opted for the less expensive, less accurate quad screen that checks foe genetic abnormalities. There's also a cystic fibrosis test available. I think this one isn't such a bad idea, because if something were detected the pediatrician could prepare, and the child would be treated much sooner. But, if I can't find out for certain that it's covered, I can't risk having the test performed. It's very frustrating. I just want to make the right choices. Medical advances are wonderful, but they can also complicate things.

Well, that concludes my little rant. Just the latest issue. I'll sum up by saying that I'm feeling happy. I'm 16 weeks and 2 days along now, and I'm really starting to feel it.

Take care!


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Pregnant Lady Doing Lunges...

Um, no, not me (the pregnant lady doing lunges I mean, as my title might suggest). I was walking to the bus stop, on my way to get my thyroid re screened (I have to do this every six weeks now) when I noticed an extremely pregnant woman doing rapid lunges as I walked past my old gym. Wow, did I feel like a slacker! In my defense, I have never been able to do a lunge without excruciating knee pain, not even at my most fit, but jeese louise. Good for her, wow.

Today I was asked about my workout routine during pregnancy. I'm super thrilled when I get my four mile walk in. I think that counts as a routine?

So, the past four days have been "ok". I am going through a major bout of insomnia again. It seems to always be there lately, with occasional flare ups. It is going pretty much full force right now. I may sleep a few hours during the night. I then try to stay awake during the day in hopes of getting a good night's sleep, but I always pass out sometime around early afternoon for a couple hours or so. The result is that I have huge bags under my eyes, a headache, and I can't concentrate on anything.

I've also been a little weepy. Today I was listening to a recorded Christmas story by Stuart Mclean (he is hilarious), I love those wacky Canadians, and I basically started to sob over this story. The story was funny, but at the end this husband wraps the family's pear tree in red lights as a gift for his wife. She wakes up in the middle of the night with a red ribbon tied around her wrist that leads to the tree. You probably just need to listen to the story for yourself, but the ending was very sweet. Nothing to get all weepy over though.

Anywhoo, Saturday's eating was ok calorie wise, although I had two .99 chicken sandwiches from Wendy's out of desperation. I hadn't eaten all day because of a general sick and crappy feeling, only to be ravenous that evening. Bad, but I just didn't want anything at home. I skipped the walk too, but did lots of shopping, which I say counts as exercise.

Sunday I ate healthy food, but too much of it. I did housework, but skipped my walk.

Monday I ate way too much cheese and bread. I bought the cheese and bread in the hopes of adding some variety to my diet. I tried to dole it out like a healthy eater, but I see I'm not there yet. I am soooo not there. The wheat bread and cheddar are gone, good riddance. I did do my walk on Monday night though. It felt nice.

Today the food was very healthy. I think I ate too much cereal though (shredded wheat, yum). I think I wanted the sweet. I've been like a walking zombie all day from lack of sleep, and skipped my walk. I really should have gone though.

I'm shooting for an on track day tomorrow both with food and exercise. I'm about to try and get some sleep as soon as I post this. I think the trick is to clear my mind. Simple concept, yet tougher than it seems.


Saturday, January 3, 2009


Holy crap, am I glad to be home! It's about 12:30 on Friday night, and I just finished my nightly walk (happy to be able to say it's becoming a "nightly" event again) and it was a doosie. There is a bit of uphill walking involved here and there and I had to stop several times to catch my breath. I also encountered a large loose dog, ends up the owner just lets the dog loose to go and do his business (a long standing pet peeve with me).

As usual, it felt good to get it done. What would I do without NPR and Rhapsody? By the way, I think Rhapsody is 100 times better than iTunes. For something like $15.00 per month I can download all the music I could ever want onto my tiny little device (the Sandisk). I can clip it onto my scarf or collar, very convenient. The really cool thing is that it also has an FM radio tuner. I am a huge fan of public radio, so this is perfect. Sometimes just listening to prerecorded music can get a little cold, I like to hear the dj's and radio hosts talk.

Food was good today. I finally made the whole wheat thin crust pizza, and it was pretty darn good if I may say so myself. It's a little time consuming, but a very reasonable alternative to fattening gooey traditional pizza. I may post a couple recipes at some point. This one is worth the effort. The rest of my meals were on target both with portion size and sodium...I did eat too much peanut butter though. I think I had two servings, and that stuff is just chocked full of calories. But, like the frozen crap that was clogging up my freezer, the peanut butter is no more.

I keep transitioning to more and more reasonable behavior, which is the goal. My instincts still scream for me to engage in hardcore dieting behavior now and again, but thankfully that isn't an option for me anymore. It's actually a relief. I feel pretty good. However, I have the sinking suspicion that I gained weight over the holidays. This is going to earn me a good reaming at the doc's. So be it. I'm doing better now.

The big goal for tomorrow is not to treat it like a "free" Saturday. That behavior was pretty well enforced over the past year or so. It's become a tough habit to break, but while I'm eating approximately 2,000 calories a day I just can't indulge like I used to. I've been making good progress, and I can't afford anymore water retention right now. I think I'll use the bit of momentum I've gathered over the past few days to get through the day on track.

A great Saturday to all,


Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year's Day

It's about 11:30 pm on New Year's Day, and I am happy to report that the past two days have gone really well. I just finished my four mile walk, and even improved my time. I stayed within a healthy calorie and sodium range on both days. Not the 1,800 I'm working towards, but right around 2,000.

I did skip my walk on New Year's Eve out of plain old exhaustion. I had insomnia again the night before and was dragging all day trying to stay awake. I did however eat a ton of romaine lettuce and and black eyed peas that day (my version of taco salad) and drank lots of water. Veggies and water were two goals I had set the night before, so kudos to myself on that. I also did well today, but the veggies could have been better.

So, like I said, I did well these past two days, but I had to employ a lot of good old fashioned willpower. Today was especially tough. I REALLY wanted to go out to eat, and I'm not talking about a sensible meal out. I basically wanted to stuff my face. I even had a dream about the food I wanted; for crying out loud! My boyfriend was the voice of reason. Although I didn't want to hear it at the time, I was really glad that we didn't end up going, and that I ate healthy to boot. I'll be going out on January 19th for my b-day and not before that, dangit.

I am starting to feel a little less bloated. This is a good sign that my efforts are beginning to pay off. I'll see what happens on January 8th when I have my next doctor's appointment.

I have also been playing around with the idea of having a weigh in day again...just to make sure I stay on track. It might help me stay accountable. Saturday morning's always worked well for me.

I feel like I should post some New Year's Resolutions or something...I have been contemplating the kind of year I'd like to have. Obviously, it'll be a big one with the baby coming.

Here's a few...

1. Moderation...both with food and exercise
2. Become more creative in the kitchen...I'm in a food rut. I need to actively seek out recipes that will taste good without a bunch of added salt (my lifelong nemesis). They still need to be fairly simple though.
3. Keep my mind sharp...it's gotten just a tad bit mushy since I've been out of school.
4. Extend my creativity to exercise as well. This is an old tune with me...I tend to like what I like, and then get pretty stubborn when it comes to trying new things.
5. Do my best to be a good mom.

That's about it for now, Happy New Year!