Saturday, March 28, 2009


I just wanted to do a quick update and say that the baby is fine. I went to the doctor yesterday and had a very thorough exam. They also did a fetal fiber something or other test which came back negative...this is positive, and even gave me the results the same afternoon.

I'm very relieved. The doctor just said to rest when I get the Braxton Hicks contractions, and:"Stop eating so much." LOL...for her that was very nice, she left it at that because I think she knew I had a bad scare. Sage advice though...I don't know why I hadn't thought of that already. :0)

Anyway, I'm just happy that Helen is fine, and I also got to hear her heartbeat, which is always nice.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

A Scary Day

Ugh, today at about 4:30 pm I lost my mucous plug. I'm certain it was the plug and not just (sorry if this is gross) discharge of some kind like pregnant women sometimes have. As far as I knew, losing the plug means that you are about to go into labor. Needless to say I was extremely upset. I just kept thinking: "No, this can't happen."

I called my doctor and talked to a nurse practitioner, not before bursting into tears on the phone with the receptionist though. So, losing the plug doesn't necessarily mean I'm going into early labor, but seeing that I've been having the Braxton Hicks so frequently they are having me come in tomorrow at 12:30 to make sure I'm not dilating.

I feel like shit, totally physically and emotionally drained. I wish this hadn't happened, but the main thing is to avoid preterm labor. I'm not even 27 weeks yet. There's a chance the baby would make it, but I don't even want to think about what a struggle that would be. I'm trying to stay calm, but it's hard. I already love my baby.

I guess losing the mucous plug this early can happen to some women. There's not a whole lot of information about it on the web. The what to expect when your expecting book talks about it happening either shortly before labor, or days or weeks before...not this early though. I guess it's there in the first place to protect the baby from infection. I'll see what happens tomorrow. The nurse said they may put me on some medication to stop the contractions.

I keep getting asked how many contractions I have in an hour, but it is really difficult to keep track. It's more about how active I am. Physical activity of any kind seems to be what sets them off. They do go away when I rest though. I just need to be able to articulate this clearly tomorrow so that the doctor gets it. Ok, I'm just talking in circles now. I think I need to go to bed. I'll update tomorrow when I get some news.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Gettin Stuff Done

Hi to Jinx and Sparky...thanks for the comments. In response to Jinxy's comment: I'm 26 weeks and one day along now. The contractions are still going strong. The doc knows my walking routine and doesn't seem concerned, but then again, she seems like the type that thinks all pregnant women exaggerate their aches and pains. Honestly though, I have been lazy as heck in terms of formal exercise. The pain is all too good of an excuse. It's hard to know where to draw the line, but I think asking her whether or not I should be taking the walks is probably a good idea. I think the bottom line in her opinion is that I don't gain too much weight.

I'm still working with my OA sponsor which is nice. It's like touching base with sanity (in terms of food) on a daily basis. It also helps to know that no matter how far off the deep end I've gone, someone else out there has been there and done that. I'm not alone.

My very early morning conversations with her weren't working time wise. I was interrupting my sleep and walking around like a zombie all day. For my whole life, no matter how hard I try, I have not been a morning person. I can and have done it, but am never at my best. I thought that I might have to stop the calls, and my sponsor pointed out to me that I was doing something that was very common to compulsive overeaters, and all people with compulsions for that matter. I was catastrophising the situation. Like it had to be all or nothing, and I immediately assumed the worst case scenario (ending my relationship with her). She kind of laughed in a nice way and said: "How about just asking me to change our call time?"
It was simple as that, and now we talk at 8 pm every evening instead of 6:45 am.

In other news, my fiance (I should be calling him that now, since our wedding will most likely take place in May) just got his new car, which has freed up the other car for me to use, which will soon be replaced with a Yaris of my very own! Wheels at last, and I have to admit I'm excited. I can't say I love the bus, even in this area, it's still the bus. It will be very nice to be able to drive to my doctor's appointments and do other errands etc., especially now that I'm starting to feel like a beach ball with legs.

In case anyone wonders, we are having a very simple service in front of a judge, just the two of us. There are far more important things to spend money on right now. Still, I am a girl...maybe we'll renew our vows in a decade or something. As for a honeymoon, we will probably just drive somewhere pretty and stay overnight. I said I don't care where as long as there is a jacuzzi tub in the room for me to soak in. That would be vacation enough in my opinion. :0)

That's pretty much all the news for now. I am going to try and take a little walk, and then hit the hay.


Monday, March 16, 2009


Not much to report on the food front...I'm managing not to go off the deep end and binge. I'm pretty happy with that right now. Baby steps. That's how I got started on a healthy path in the first place. I ALWAYS want to dive right in and be perfect. Nope.

The big issue on my mind right now is the fact that I am contracting all the time, and have been for the past seven weeks or so. It started as just the tiniest tightening in my uterus, and has progressed in frequency and strength. It downright hurts at times, and I get a burning sensation in my abdomen and back with it.

I know these are Braxton Hicks contractions...just my body's way of preparing itself for childbirth, but they are really interfering with my walks. At first I could ignore them, but now they are strong enough to stop me in my tracks. They start up with barely any activity at all now too. Just getting up off the couch, doing dishes, standing in one place for more than a couple minutes, etc. Today, I walked to the grocery store and had such sharp pains that I had to call my boyfriend and have him pick me up.

I guess I'm just venting, but I'm a little concerned too. I spoke to my doctor about this at my 20 week appointment, and then I spoke to the nurse practitioner about it at my 24 week appointment. The doc seemed unconcerned, and the nurse said to call if I get more than four in an hour. I told her they happen constantly. She suggested lying down and drinking a glass of water, and said if they don't go away when I rest, I should call.

This pregnancy stuff is stressful. I'm really thinking one time will do it for me, my boyfriend agrees. I just don't know if my poor old abused body could take it again. My main concern is that little Helen can hold out until at least 37 weeks. I'd like her to stay nice and warm for as long as possible.

To keep up with some kind of exercise routine I'm thinking that I will do one loop, and then rest at home for a few minutes, or even spread them throughout the day., eventhough the contractions start as soon as I'm out the door. I don't know. It doesn't get much lower impact than walking.

That's about it for now. Hope you are all well. :0)


Thursday, March 12, 2009

I Didn't Binge

I wrote that whole dramatic post on Tuesday morning about not wanting to binge after my appointment, and I never said whether or not I binged. Well, I did not binge. I ate hearty for sure, healthy on plan foods. I feel proud of that little accomplishment. Yesterday was good as well. Today is tough. I woke up craving blueberry muffins and bacon. No way in hell I'm gonna go and buy blueberry muffins and bacon...the thoughts are there though. Is that pregnancy, compulsive overeating, or both? LOL.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Today, I want to Break an Unhealthy Pattern

Like the title says: "Today, I WANT to break an unhealthy pattern." I have an obgyn appointment this morning at 10:50 am. Here's the usual pattern for the past four months (I don't want to make it five)...I see the doctor, she lectures me about my weight gain for the duration of the appointment, I get upset inside like I said before, I leave the appointment and stop off at the grocery store on the way home where I buy binge supplies, I binge.

I clearly recognize that what goes through my head on the way to the store is pure garbage. It's my addiction, compulsion, etc. talking. I think that today is the furthest point from my next appointment, so, I'll have plenty of time to erase any damage that this "one" binge may do. I think that NEXT month I'll show her, heck, I'll be so good that I may even lose a pound or two from all the healthy living. I think that this one binge will surely satisfy me, and I won't do it again and again throughout the month.

Reality check...there is no such thing as a satisfying binge! Compulsive overeating/binge eating disorder (whatever you may call it) is a progressive illness. One binge begets another and another. These faulty thoughts run through my mind because I am searching for a way to justify bingeing right now.

This may seem so obvious, but in the moment these justifications are compelling, and feel irresistible. Today, I want to break this pattern. I do not want to binge or even eat excessively after my appointment. I planned ahead by making sure I had my favorite "on plan" foods in the house. This is kind of an incentive. I also made sure that there isn't a thing in the world I need from the grocery store today. My plan is to get off at my bus stop after the appointment, walk straight home, and make a meal.

I talked to my sponsor about my plan this morning. If I need to, I will call another member of the group, but I haven't embraced the phone yet. I feel really weird calling people I barely know and discussing my personal demons, but if that's what it takes...I know I probably won't do it though...maybe...I don't know yet. Part of the program is that I develop a willingness to do what it takes to stay abstinent. I haven't done that yet.

Ok, I needed to put this plan in black and white this morning. I needed to write what goes through my mind right before this particular kind of binge in order to underscore the futility and irrationality of it. It feels good to be honest.


Monday, March 9, 2009

My Dissapearing Act

First off, a special hi to Heather, Deb, Amy, and Angie. Well, I seem to have perfected the disappearing act. No excuses, no shame...just another day of trying to make healthy choices. I guess it has been almost two months since my last should I say it has been almost two months since my last confession? :0)
As usual, there have been many ups and downs. Some days I downright binge...upwards of maybe 6,000 calories or so in a day. It's not at all easy for me to write this. Other days, I behave like a perfectly rational human being. What I do not do is restrict calories. I am painfully aware that bingeing is not at all healthy for the baby. I also know that calorie restriction (my whacked out brand of calorie restriction) would be even worse, so I have not, and will not go there.
The binge/extreme diet cycle went on for maybe six months before I found out I was pregnant. It gets real old, let me tell you. Since I no longer diet, but still binge, I have put on weight. I'm guessing I weigh around 240 lbs. at this point. I will do my scheduled weigh-in on Tuesday morning. Pissy lectures from my obgyn have become a monthly ritual. I basically hold my tongue and try not to burst into tears in front of that woman. I know it is her job to advise me not to gain too much weight during pregnancy. But, I wish she would say her peace, do her professional duty, and shut up about it, instead of making me feel like garbage throughout the entire appointment. I feel like screaming at her that I am a compulsive over eater, and am totally out of control...that I don't know when/how/if I will regain any kind of sanity with this any time soon. I just do my best to manage this thing day by day.
I get very tired of thinking about this (compulsive eating) all the time. The constant struggle is exhausting. That's why I disappear. I know isolating doesn't help, but at times I just want to be left alone with the food. It's sad and frightening, but true.
This is such a downer post, but I do have some positive news to report though. I joined OA (Overeater's Anonymous) about three weeks ago, and was immediately approached by a woman around my age with two young ones of her own who offered to be my sponsor. I never would have sought out a sponsor on my own. I find it almost impossible to ask people for help. Since one of my biggest issues is the fact that I isolate when I'm "in the food" this is a positive thing. I call her six mornings each week at a scheduled time, and we talk for ten minutes. We talk about whether or not I was on plan the day before, whether I have a plan for today, and any issues or feelings that arise. Then, she gives me a reading/writing assignment to complete for the day. I have not misses a scheduled phone call since joining the group. I haven't stuck with anything that consistently for a long time. I still eat way off plan some days (definitely in a compulsive way) but without such a frenzy. I'm having more reasonable days, and less crazy days. What I'm not consistent with is making the 8:30 am meeting each Saturday. I've been to two, and missed two. Chalk that up to part exhaustion, laziness, and lack of commitment.

Like I have said before: "I will never stop working at this."

Other than the whole delightful food obsession/numbing out thing my life has actually been pretty good. I am 24 weeks pregnant as of today (Sunday). I have been feeling the baby move since my 21st week, and I LOVE that! It is the coolest feeling, and I like to talk to her a little bit when she's especially active, which is often. I found out that I am having a girl during my 20 week ultrasound. That was February 11th. I posted a picture of her giving a thumbs up on this page. I hope anyone who reads this can make it out. Her dad picked her name (Helen Antigone). We've been calling her little Helen since before we knew her gender. I plan on starting the whole process of buying baby furniture/necessities when I'm 30 weeks along. I hope that won't be cutting it too close. I just took an infant/child CPR course at my local fire station, and I start my prenatal classes on April 13th. I've signed up for three...comprehensive childbirth and infant care, breastfeeding, and one that meets for five weeks after the baby is born. I think these classes will increase my chances of meeting other moms in the area. I’m scared, but excited. I think I’ll be just fine as long as I’m able to get out there and make a friend or two.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. I hope you are all well. Here’s to better days ahead.