Well, when I posted my first entry to this blog I was feeling pretty low, and frustrated with myself. Things have been spinning out of control since that first post. I'd love to be able to say that I've turned things around. I haven't.
What I can say is that I am trying to look at my behavior in a thoughtful way. I know why I have been bingeing each and every day. Depression. It's noone's fault. I am trying to be kind to myself. Depression is like driving through a thick fog, disorienting.
My food addiction leeches on to any stress in my life. There has been plenty of that, so the excuses for eating have been easy to come by. I know healthy living is the best medicine for depression, but I have felt paralyzed.
I read a post from a good friend's blog, and it was very uplifting. I have been isolating myself from the online weight loss community. Isolation is the worst thing for me right now, so maybe this blog will replace the support I used to get from YouTube. I could go back to making videos, but I just don't feel it. The great feeling I used to get from the mutual support has been replaced by numbness.
I'll end this post by promiseing that I will not stop trying.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Ok, so I thought I'd give text blogging a try. I could use some motivation. I've come too far to FUCK this all up right? Wow, three a.m. post binge language. I have lost 150 lbs. and am thrilled with myself, really. I have accomplished amazing things, and given myself a new chance at life. Still, I have lost and regained the last 20 or so pounds over and over again during the past six months. I still have at least 70-80 pounds to lose, and I want to be done with this whole weight loss phase so that I can learn to eat like a healthy person. Oi. Things will hopefully look better tomorrow.