Like the title says: "Today, I WANT to break an unhealthy pattern." I have an obgyn appointment this morning at 10:50 am. Here's the usual pattern for the past four months (I don't want to make it five)...I see the doctor, she lectures me about my weight gain for the duration of the appointment, I get upset inside like I said before, I leave the appointment and stop off at the grocery store on the way home where I buy binge supplies, I binge.
I clearly recognize that what goes through my head on the way to the store is pure garbage. It's my addiction, compulsion, etc. talking. I think that today is the furthest point from my next appointment, so, I'll have plenty of time to erase any damage that this "one" binge may do. I think that NEXT month I'll show her, heck, I'll be so good that I may even lose a pound or two from all the healthy living. I think that this one binge will surely satisfy me, and I won't do it again and again throughout the month.
Reality check...there is no such thing as a satisfying binge! Compulsive overeating/binge eating disorder (whatever you may call it) is a progressive illness. One binge begets another and another. These faulty thoughts run through my mind because I am searching for a way to justify bingeing right now.
This may seem so obvious, but in the moment these justifications are compelling, and feel irresistible. Today, I want to break this pattern. I do not want to binge or even eat excessively after my appointment. I planned ahead by making sure I had my favorite "on plan" foods in the house. This is kind of an incentive. I also made sure that there isn't a thing in the world I need from the grocery store today. My plan is to get off at my bus stop after the appointment, walk straight home, and make a meal.
I talked to my sponsor about my plan this morning. If I need to, I will call another member of the group, but I haven't embraced the phone yet. I feel really weird calling people I barely know and discussing my personal demons, but if that's what it takes...I know I probably won't do it though...maybe...I don't know yet. Part of the program is that I develop a willingness to do what it takes to stay abstinent. I haven't done that yet.
Ok, I needed to put this plan in black and white this morning. I needed to write what goes through my mind right before this particular kind of binge in order to underscore the futility and irrationality of it. It feels good to be honest.