Monday, March 9, 2009

My Dissapearing Act

First off, a special hi to Heather, Deb, Amy, and Angie. Well, I seem to have perfected the disappearing act. No excuses, no shame...just another day of trying to make healthy choices. I guess it has been almost two months since my last should I say it has been almost two months since my last confession? :0)
As usual, there have been many ups and downs. Some days I downright binge...upwards of maybe 6,000 calories or so in a day. It's not at all easy for me to write this. Other days, I behave like a perfectly rational human being. What I do not do is restrict calories. I am painfully aware that bingeing is not at all healthy for the baby. I also know that calorie restriction (my whacked out brand of calorie restriction) would be even worse, so I have not, and will not go there.
The binge/extreme diet cycle went on for maybe six months before I found out I was pregnant. It gets real old, let me tell you. Since I no longer diet, but still binge, I have put on weight. I'm guessing I weigh around 240 lbs. at this point. I will do my scheduled weigh-in on Tuesday morning. Pissy lectures from my obgyn have become a monthly ritual. I basically hold my tongue and try not to burst into tears in front of that woman. I know it is her job to advise me not to gain too much weight during pregnancy. But, I wish she would say her peace, do her professional duty, and shut up about it, instead of making me feel like garbage throughout the entire appointment. I feel like screaming at her that I am a compulsive over eater, and am totally out of control...that I don't know when/how/if I will regain any kind of sanity with this any time soon. I just do my best to manage this thing day by day.
I get very tired of thinking about this (compulsive eating) all the time. The constant struggle is exhausting. That's why I disappear. I know isolating doesn't help, but at times I just want to be left alone with the food. It's sad and frightening, but true.
This is such a downer post, but I do have some positive news to report though. I joined OA (Overeater's Anonymous) about three weeks ago, and was immediately approached by a woman around my age with two young ones of her own who offered to be my sponsor. I never would have sought out a sponsor on my own. I find it almost impossible to ask people for help. Since one of my biggest issues is the fact that I isolate when I'm "in the food" this is a positive thing. I call her six mornings each week at a scheduled time, and we talk for ten minutes. We talk about whether or not I was on plan the day before, whether I have a plan for today, and any issues or feelings that arise. Then, she gives me a reading/writing assignment to complete for the day. I have not misses a scheduled phone call since joining the group. I haven't stuck with anything that consistently for a long time. I still eat way off plan some days (definitely in a compulsive way) but without such a frenzy. I'm having more reasonable days, and less crazy days. What I'm not consistent with is making the 8:30 am meeting each Saturday. I've been to two, and missed two. Chalk that up to part exhaustion, laziness, and lack of commitment.

Like I have said before: "I will never stop working at this."

Other than the whole delightful food obsession/numbing out thing my life has actually been pretty good. I am 24 weeks pregnant as of today (Sunday). I have been feeling the baby move since my 21st week, and I LOVE that! It is the coolest feeling, and I like to talk to her a little bit when she's especially active, which is often. I found out that I am having a girl during my 20 week ultrasound. That was February 11th. I posted a picture of her giving a thumbs up on this page. I hope anyone who reads this can make it out. Her dad picked her name (Helen Antigone). We've been calling her little Helen since before we knew her gender. I plan on starting the whole process of buying baby furniture/necessities when I'm 30 weeks along. I hope that won't be cutting it too close. I just took an infant/child CPR course at my local fire station, and I start my prenatal classes on April 13th. I've signed up for three...comprehensive childbirth and infant care, breastfeeding, and one that meets for five weeks after the baby is born. I think these classes will increase my chances of meeting other moms in the area. I’m scared, but excited. I think I’ll be just fine as long as I’m able to get out there and make a friend or two.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. I hope you are all well. Here’s to better days ahead.


jinxxxygirl said...

Angie i was really worried about you girl! And i didn't know how to get in touch with you!
I'm so happy you are still among the living and breathing. But sad that you are struggling. Last post you seemed to be doing so well with your walking etc...
I wonder how you pronounce Little Helen's middle name?
Hubby and i just joined a health club! I just took my first cycling class yesterday! It was so nice exercising with people instead of always alone.
Take care Ang and look forward to hearing more from you. JInx!

Angie said...

Hi Deb, I know I was doing well. I've been on a long term always up and down cycle. That's part of why I get so frustrated and fed up at times, but I'm back now, trying to be consistent. I wish I could just say it's all up from here on out, but nope, I don't know that. Still, I'm feeling pretty peaceful right now.

I tried to email your youtube account this morning, but I saw that it's closed. I'm just going to give you my email address in case you ever need to get ahold of me. It's

I am sooo happy that you and hubby joined a health club. I saw that in your last post and left a comment last night. I remember when I joined my first gym, and the 100% certainty that I had just done something truly positive (life changeing). All the better that hubby joined too, it's just fun to go together, and don't be surprised if you meet lots of nice people, especially if you take some classes.

Helen's middle name is pronounced (Ann-teg-oney).It's Greek. LOL, I really wanted to name her Emily Marie. Her dad is into Greek mythology, so both the first and middle names are derived from that. It was special for him to pick the name, and Helen is growing on me...kind of a classic quality to it. Ok, write any time.

Take care,


Sars said...

Angie! I've missed you so much. :) I can understand about the compulsive overeating. And preggers! That is a lovely name for a girl. :)

Sparky said...

Best ultrasound photo ever! Thanks for checking in!

Angie said...

To Ms. Sarsy: Good to hear from you! Yep, preggers, can you believe it!? I've missed you too. I'm hopeing all is well.

To Sparky: Thanks! I love that ultrasound photo. You can't see it, but at the bottom the tech typed thumbs up. I like to look at it for inspiration.

zurplemoon said...

hello friend-
i haven't checked this in a while. i was so happy to see you. little helen how sweet.
i think of you often and wonder how you are. each time i work out on the elliptical i think of you and smile just for you.
oa is a great way to go. the ups and downs suck
hang in there