First off, a special hi to Heather, Deb, Amy, and Angie. Well, I seem to have perfected the disappearing act. No excuses, no shame...just another day of trying to make healthy choices. I guess it has been almost two months since my last post...lol...or should I say it has been almost two months since my last confession? :0)
As usual, there have been many ups and downs. Some days I downright binge...upwards of maybe 6,000 calories or so in a day. It's not at all easy for me to write this. Other days, I behave like a perfectly rational human being. What I do not do is restrict calories. I am painfully aware that bingeing is not at all healthy for the baby. I also know that calorie restriction (my whacked out brand of calorie restriction) would be even worse, so I have not, and will not go there.
The binge/extreme diet cycle went on for maybe six months before I found out I was pregnant. It gets real old, let me tell you. Since I no longer diet, but still binge, I have put on weight. I'm guessing I weigh around 240 lbs. at this point. I will do my scheduled weigh-in on Tuesday morning. Pissy lectures from my obgyn have become a monthly ritual. I basically hold my tongue and try not to burst into tears in front of that woman. I know it is her job to advise me not to gain too much weight during pregnancy. But, I wish she would say her peace, do her professional duty, and shut up about it, instead of making me feel like garbage throughout the entire appointment. I feel like screaming at her that I am a compulsive over eater, and am totally out of control...that I don't know when/how/if I will regain any kind of sanity with this any time soon. I just do my best to manage this thing day by day.
I get very tired of thinking about this (compulsive eating) all the time. The constant struggle is exhausting. That's why I disappear. I know isolating hurts...it doesn't help, but at times I just want to be left alone with the food. It's sad and frightening, but true.
This is such a downer post, but I do have some positive news to report though. I joined OA (Overeater's Anonymous) about three weeks ago, and was immediately approached by a woman around my age with two young ones of her own who offered to be my sponsor. I never would have sought out a sponsor on my own. I find it almost impossible to ask people for help. Since one of my biggest issues is the fact that I isolate when I'm "in the food" this is a positive thing. I call her six mornings each week at a scheduled time, and we talk for ten minutes. We talk about whether or not I was on plan the day before, whether I have a plan for today, and any issues or feelings that arise. Then, she gives me a reading/writing assignment to complete for the day. I have not misses a scheduled phone call since joining the group. I haven't stuck with anything that consistently for a long time. I still eat way off plan some days (definitely in a compulsive way) but without such a frenzy. I'm having more reasonable days, and less crazy days. What I'm not consistent with is making the 8:30 am meeting each Saturday. I've been to two, and missed two. Chalk that up to part exhaustion, laziness, and lack of commitment.
Like I have said before: "I will never stop working at this."
Other than the whole delightful food obsession/numbing out thing my life has actually been pretty good. I am 24 weeks pregnant as of today (Sunday). I have been feeling the baby move since my 21st week, and I LOVE that! It is the coolest feeling, and I like to talk to her a little bit when she's especially active, which is often. I found out that I am having a girl during my 20 week ultrasound. That was February 11th. I posted a picture of her giving a thumbs up on this page. I hope anyone who reads this can make it out. Her dad picked her name (Helen Antigone). We've been calling her little Helen since before we knew her gender. I plan on starting the whole process of buying baby furniture/necessities when I'm 30 weeks along. I hope that won't be cutting it too close. I just took an infant/child CPR course at my local fire station, and I start my prenatal classes on April 13th. I've signed up for three...comprehensive childbirth and infant care, breastfeeding, and one that meets for five weeks after the baby is born. I think these classes will increase my chances of meeting other moms in the area. I’m scared, but excited. I think I’ll be just fine as long as I’m able to get out there and make a friend or two.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. I hope you are all well. Here’s to better days ahead.