Tuesday, September 8, 2009

End of week one results...

Hi all,

I have finished out my first week and Monday's weight was 263 lbs...that is a 5 lb. loss for the week. I am very pleased with that. It's nice to be moving in the right direction.

I ended up eating plain old food all weekend, but I was able to keep it in check. The five days of shakes helped with that. I could have done better...but progress not perfection, as they say.

Tony, Helen, and I went to a cider mill on Saturday. It was nice, There were lots of farm animals. Tony tried to show Helen a goat, but she was more interested in napping. The ducks were especially cute. Later that day we saw a rainbow! My first one since moving to Washington. I'll try to post some pics from Saturday.

Anyway, about the weekend...it feels like a punishment not eating on the weekends. It just didn't feel right. My goal is to get to a place where eating doesn't mean indulging though. I did have an apple fritter on Saturday. Yeah, it was warm and the cider mill is supposedly famous for them. Not an excuse, I know. It was good. I also had some really good blackberry cider. I could have really gone nuts after thast, but I didn't. So, good for me.

I remember when a big weekend treat (at the peak of my weight loss) was a turkey/veggie sandwich on whole grain bread and a tea with cream from Tim Horton's, followed by a hike as a reward...lol. Wow. I'll get back to that feeling some day.

So, five pounds down, and a little less crazy in the head when it comes to food. I hope everyone is doing well. I meant to post yesterday, but the day got away from me. Better a little late than never.

Plan for the week...shakes through Friday, followed by sensible eating on Saturday and Sunday. I'd like to get through the weekend without eating any sweets. AS for exercise...two one mile loops around the neighborhood daily instead of last week's one...very doable.

Take care, and see you next Monday,


Saturday, September 5, 2009

It's Friday night, and I made it through another day. I think I'm going to start posting once a week. Thank-you guys for seeing me through this week. It is so nice to know people are rooting for me. I'm going to post on Monday whether I make it through the weekend or not, and on Monday's thereafter. I actually feel calm and capable of doing this, at least more so than I have felt in a long time. It feels so nice to have even a fraction of my old confidence back.

I'll be back on Monday...I'm making that promise to myself. :0)


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Day 4...

I am happy that I have made it this long. I know I possess great self control, it's just hard as heck to tap into it. Today was pretty ok. It was tough, but a bit easier than the past three days. I am cautiously optimistic. :0) Four days of this...wow.

I'm trying to think of fun things to do that'll replace the food. I've gotten used to eating as my main form of recreation. Like, the weekends were all about going out to eat and getting my morning Starbuck's. Oh yeah, the evil Mermaid got ahold of me again. Anyway, I'm trying to make a plan for this weekend. I think I might take Helen for a walk at Greenlake (this park in Seattle). Hubby is busy so it'll just be her and I. I guess I'm worried about not being in the protective bubble of the house. Am I that bad off that I can't go on an outing without it being about the food? I broke that habit before, but it took awhile. If I can go out without eating at least once I'll prove to myself that I can do it.

Deb was talking about sunrises in her blog. Funny thing, I've been going out to see the sunset in the evenings for the past four days (they are beautiful here, orange skies against the silouhette of the mountains). That's so much nicer than an evening binge. In general, I've been thinking about things that I enjoy doing a lot more since I've been doing the shakes. All of the food was numbing my senses. Eek.

Night all,


Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I've made it through day three. The cravings come in waves. I'll feel an almost unbearable urge to eat off plan, but I've noticed that if I can manage to sit for a couple minutes and chill the feeling passes. I've just been pushing through somehow. It has really hit home just how long I have gone without taking any difinitive action towards weight loss. I've been eating what I want whenever I want, and just accepting the consequences...feeling guilty, but accepting them.

The simplicity helps. Let's face it, it's nice not having to cook for myself or wash up after. It also helps that protein shakes are totally nonstimulating. Grainy vanilla flavored water just doesn't trigger me. The temporary fix is workin for now. The test will come when I go back on solids.

To answer Deb's question, walks seem to be one of the few things that will calm Helen. She likes motion...walking, drives, being carried. Now, if I could always keep her moving that would be great. She sometimes likes her swing for a little while, but mommy powered motion is her favorite. :0)

Anyway, I feel a little stronger this evening.

Take care guys,


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day 2...

I made it through day two on plan. Helen has been crying pretty regularly since around 7 p.m., so things got a little hairy there. Hot tea with a splash of 2% milk really helps. I'm drinking decaffeinated so I should be able to pass out any minute now.

Sooooooo tired. Oh, did a one mile walk with fussy pants as well.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Crumbs of Bagels Past...Day 1

I made it through today on plan. I am exhausted, stressed, and could easily polish off several thousand calories without batting an eyelash, but I did it. I seriously cannot recall the last time I had an entire on plan day.

I am not literally hungry. I have head hunger. The shakes are doing what I was hoping they'd do...all of a sudden healthy food isn't sounding so bad.

I vacuumed my car today. It was way past time because the crumbs of many, many ill gotten chonga bagels from Starbuck's had accumulated in the upholstery. It was kinda symbolic, sucking them up like that on day one.

Thank-you Sparky, Deb, Zurple, and Angie. Your support and advice is very much appreciated.

I walked about a mile today with Helen as usual. I'm taking it slow for now so as not to get overwhelmed.

On to day two.

Sunday Night, Finally Made a Friggin Video!

Can you believe it!? I finally grew a pair and made a video...I'm feeling a little feisty right now. It was hard, and I watched it several times in disbelief at how much weight I have gained. There is something about seeing yourself on camera that makes it all seem real. Like tight clothes and visible tummy rolls weren't an adequate indication? Oh well, here I am. I took a positive step by making that video. I finally came out of hiding.

After careful consideration, and a doctor's advice, I have decided to try HMR meal replacement shakes. My calories will not be crazy low, and the exercise has to be moderate. I just can't make weight loss a full time job again. That's ok. I got the idea of doing HMR from the book: "My Big Fat Greek Diet" The author is a doctor who weighed 465 lbs. He seems like a very kind and stable person who had a horrible food addiction. He did the HMR shakes himself, and got his life under control. It's a great book...check it out!

So, I weigh 268 lbs. I stopped breastfeeding because Helen was rejecting my milk. All of a sudden it was ok to eat unhealthy things now and then...yeah right. The same old slippery slope. I went from 238 lbs. to 268 in the blink of an eye. So depressing. None of my clothes fit, and I'm starting to have some of the same problems I had at 350 lbs.

It stops now! I start my shakes in the morning. I will write in this blog each day...if only a sentence in order to stay accountable and stay in the correct mindset. It's too easy to sweep good intentions under the rug.

What I know...tomorrow will be difficult. I will want to quit by 10 a.m. I'll have to go through withdrawals. But, after a few days I will start to feel better...more energetic, less bloated, and the cravings will taper.

Why not just eat healthy food in moderation instead of shakes? I am so far off the deep end at this point that I will binge on anything. Shakes that contain the proper protein/fat/carb ratio with a reasonable calorie content will allow me to reset. I need to stop eating "food" all together at this point. It's sad, but just about anything sets me off right now. It's been like this for a long while, and 300 lbs. is just around the corner. Sometimes I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night thinking about it.

As for exercise, I bought a membership to the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. It's a great place to walk with the baby waby. Unfortunately there is no one who can watch Helen so that I can get to a gym. That's ok. I'll have to rely on walks and exercising at home for now.

Ok, here I go...