Ok...OK...lol. It is 10:05 pm on Christmas night. I think I can safely say that I have partaken in every conceivable Christmas treat I could possibly want. I am done. I think it helps to actually put this into words. Tomorrow is a new day. I have a plan. I've also decided to make posting my daily calories (if not listing every bite of food, which could become tedious ) another goal.
I know I can do this. I won't be getting skinny any time soon, but that is so not the point right now. I can take a huge chunk out of my compulsive eating behavior though. I really can do this. It struck me that I haven't truly believed this in the last nine months or so. There have been so many changes in my life...maybe it takes a year to get your head back on straight after major upheaval...who knows?
I have what I need. I am in a stable situation, in a stable relationship, and I have some months to devote to myself before the baby comes. The next few days will be tough. It's almost like detoxing. I've been eating a lot of junk this holiday season. I'm going to do what I did way back at the very beginning of my weight loss in May 07'...take it nice and slow.
That means not expecting perfection in my food choices. My aim is to stay within my 1,800 calorie limit, and keep my food choices relatively healthy. For example, I wouldn't normally allow myself the cheesy yummy frozen vegetable lasagna (even though it's only 350 calories and makes a great meal with a green salad). It would seem too decadent, and I'd be afraid that it would trigger me into a binge. I have to learn how to eat stimulating things in healthy portion sizes.
It always backfires when I push for perfection lately (well, over these last nine months now). I want the stimulating food so badly that instead of allowing just a little, I flip out and eat way too much. There has to be a middle ground. Part of me, and it is a big part, understands the argument for complete abstinence. It even worked for me before. I pretty much lost my first 150 lbs. that way. I'd abstain from ALL stimulating foods for six days a week, and loosen the reins a bit on Saturday.
Looking back, I see that loosening the reins a little turned into loosening the reins a lot, which turned into loosening the reins on various days of the week...and there you have it. Would I have been better off with complete abstinence, or was I being too rigid to begin with, and consequently denying myself the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with food? After all, a person should be able to enjoy A cookie right? I mean, without it turning into some inner struggle? Is this something I should practice?
This is all just stream of consciousness. I need to get this out in order to figure it out.
To recap...1,800 cals tomorrow...1 hour of nice and easy exercise, maybe even broken up throughout the day considering my lack of energy and queasiness ...moderate and tasty food choices. I don't expect it to be easy. If I have to maybe I'll blog my feelings when I'm in the thick of the struggle.
Tomorrow I will be able to write that it was a good day.