Day 4...

I am happy that I have made it this long. I know I possess great self control, it's just hard as heck to tap into it. Today was pretty ok. It was tough, but a bit easier than the past three days. I am cautiously optimistic. :0) Four days of this...wow.

I'm trying to think of fun things to do that'll replace the food. I've gotten used to eating as my main form of recreation. Like, the weekends were all about going out to eat and getting my morning Starbuck's. Oh yeah, the evil Mermaid got ahold of me again. Anyway, I'm trying to make a plan for this weekend. I think I might take Helen for a walk at Greenlake (this park in Seattle). Hubby is busy so it'll just be her and I. I guess I'm worried about not being in the protective bubble of the house. Am I that bad off that I can't go on an outing without it being about the food? I broke that habit before, but it took awhile. If I can go out without eating at least once I'll prove to myself that I can do it.

Deb was talking about sunrises in her blog. Funny thing, I've been going out to see the sunset in the evenings for the past four days (they are beautiful here, orange skies against the silouhette of the mountains). That's so much nicer than an evening binge. In general, I've been thinking about things that I enjoy doing a lot more since I've been doing the shakes. All of the food was numbing my senses. Eek.

Night all,

Angie

Day...3

I've made it through day three. The cravings come in waves. I'll feel an almost unbearable urge to eat off plan, but I've noticed that if I can manage to sit for a couple minutes and chill the feeling passes. I've just been pushing through somehow. It has really hit home just how long I have gone without taking any difinitive action towards weight loss. I've been eating what I want whenever I want, and just accepting the consequences...feeling guilty, but accepting them.

The simplicity helps. Let's face it, it's nice not having to cook for myself or wash up after. It also helps that protein shakes are totally nonstimulating. Grainy vanilla flavored water just doesn't trigger me. The temporary fix is workin for now. The test will come when I go back on solids.

To answer Deb's question, walks seem to be one of the few things that will calm Helen. She likes motion...walking, drives, being carried. Now, if I could always keep her moving that would be great. She sometimes likes her swing for a little while, but mommy powered motion is her favorite. :0)

Anyway, I feel a little stronger this evening.

Take care guys,

Angie

Day 2...

I made it through day two on plan. Helen has been crying pretty regularly since around 7 p.m., so things got a little hairy there. Hot tea with a splash of 2% milk really helps. I'm drinking decaffeinated so I should be able to pass out any minute now.

Sooooooo tired. Oh, did a one mile walk with fussy pants as well.

Crumbs of Bagels Past...Day 1

I made it through today on plan. I am exhausted, stressed, and could easily polish off several thousand calories without batting an eyelash, but I did it. I seriously cannot recall the last time I had an entire on plan day.

I am not literally hungry. I have head hunger. The shakes are doing what I was hoping they'd do...all of a sudden healthy food isn't sounding so bad.

I vacuumed my car today. It was way past time because the crumbs of many, many ill gotten chonga bagels from Starbuck's had accumulated in the upholstery. It was kinda symbolic, sucking them up like that on day one.

Thank-you Sparky, Deb, Zurple, and Angie. Your support and advice is very much appreciated.

I walked about a mile today with Helen as usual. I'm taking it slow for now so as not to get overwhelmed.

On to day two.

Sunday Night, Finally Made a Friggin Video!

Can you believe it!? I finally grew a pair and made a video...I'm feeling a little feisty right now. It was hard, and I watched it several times in disbelief at how much weight I have gained. There is something about seeing yourself on camera that makes it all seem real. Like tight clothes and visible tummy rolls weren't an adequate indication? Oh well, here I am. I took a positive step by making that video. I finally came out of hiding.

After careful consideration, and a doctor's advice, I have decided to try HMR meal replacement shakes. My calories will not be crazy low, and the exercise has to be moderate. I just can't make weight loss a full time job again. That's ok. I got the idea of doing HMR from the book: "My Big Fat Greek Diet" The author is a doctor who weighed 465 lbs. He seems like a very kind and stable person who had a horrible food addiction. He did the HMR shakes himself, and got his life under control. It's a great book...check it out!

So, I weigh 268 lbs. I stopped breastfeeding because Helen was rejecting my milk. All of a sudden it was ok to eat unhealthy things now and then...yeah right. The same old slippery slope. I went from 238 lbs. to 268 in the blink of an eye. So depressing. None of my clothes fit, and I'm starting to have some of the same problems I had at 350 lbs.

It stops now! I start my shakes in the morning. I will write in this blog each day...if only a sentence in order to stay accountable and stay in the correct mindset. It's too easy to sweep good intentions under the rug.

What I know...tomorrow will be difficult. I will want to quit by 10 a.m. I'll have to go through withdrawals. But, after a few days I will start to feel better...more energetic, less bloated, and the cravings will taper.

Why not just eat healthy food in moderation instead of shakes? I am so far off the deep end at this point that I will binge on anything. Shakes that contain the proper protein/fat/carb ratio with a reasonable calorie content will allow me to reset. I need to stop eating "food" all together at this point. It's sad, but just about anything sets me off right now. It's been like this for a long while, and 300 lbs. is just around the corner. Sometimes I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night thinking about it.

As for exercise, I bought a membership to the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. It's a great place to walk with the baby waby. Unfortunately there is no one who can watch Helen so that I can get to a gym. That's ok. I'll have to rely on walks and exercising at home for now.

Ok, here I go...

Angie

Miss Fuss Budget

Ok, I meant to update before now...I truly did. As I sit here hooked up to an electric breast pump (can we say multi tasking?) I am listening to my little girl scream her cute little head off and waiting for my nipples to finish sterilizing in the microwave. Have I mentoned that it's 1 a.m.???

Things have been crazy and good. Thanks to everyone for the nice comments on my last post. It was really nice to hear from everyone. So much has been happening. I love being a mom, but I think I may have the fussiest baby this side of creation. Helen seems to be rejecting my breast milk and we have been trying different thinggs like ommiting certain foods from my diet, baby zantac in case it's reflux, mylicon in case it's gas, gripe water, and finally formula. She seems to be doing better, she was making these constant grunting/gagging sounds before. The pediatrician seems stumped.

Anyway, the child can cry...up tp several hours at a time, and often doesn't sleep at night...which means I don't sleep at night. All part of being a new mom I know. I do hope she grows out of this though. I have been trying all sorts of soothing techniques from the happiest baby on the block video, but the only thing that really soothes her is if I am constantly holding her.

She is my sweet girl though. I have lots of nick names for her...Baby Boo Boo for when she's crabby, and Miss Marple for when she looks thoughtful or perturbed. Yeah, I need to get out more. Tony was able to get the stroller put together yesterday ( I couldn't get past step one) so I will be taking some much needed walks. MY you and your newborn group starts July 23rd. How I'm gonna get there once a week at 10 a.m. remains a mystery.

So I really have an urge to make a video for the first time in like a year. I don't even want to say it and then not do it, but it seems like a good idea to maybe try one and then see. I'm feeling ready to get back on the wagon. The weight has pretty much been holding steady with all the breast pumping, running around, and sleep deprivation. Cool beans.

Hope you are all well.

Angie

p.s. how can I get my daughter to chill?

Sorry this has to be quick. I had Helen by c-secton on May 22nd at 1:58 a.m. after laboring for 48 hours. She is still in the special care nursery. We are both fine, but she had an infection in her blood (they have been treating her with iv antibiotics since then), and I had some complications with my surgery. My incision burst open and I have/had about 3 liters of fluid in my stomach. The open incision has to be packed twice daily for 4-6 weeks so that it can drain. Tony does it. He has been great. He not only cleans and packs my wound, but figured out a way to do it so that it hurts less. He even fed me when I was too out of it and in pain at the beginning to feed myself. I basically didn't sleep at all for almost a week and started to hallucinate. The doctors didn't realize that all the pain was coming from the fluid putting pressure on the incision. My recovery has been extremely difficult.

I have barely gotten to see Helen in two weeks...just a small visit everyday. She comes home on Friday evening, and I am still rushing to get things ready for her. I was never able to establish breastfeeding because of this. I use an electric pump that I rented from the hospital every three hours around the clock. I never knew it was possible to be this exhausted. I'm going to try straight forward breastfeeding once she comes home, but I'm not getting my hopes up. It would be soooo much more convenient than the pumping/storing/cleaning everything etc.

Bottom line though, Helen is fine. Better than fine. She was born weighing 6 lbs. 5 oz. at 5 1/2 weeks premature. It took her four minutes to breathe on her own though. I can't even explain what it was like lying on that table waiting ti hear her cry. Any future births will have to be by cesarean because of the incision they used...so yeah, I'm thinkin one will be plenty. She's a doll. Oh, and has auburn hair.

I'll update when I can.

Angie