Just The Beginning...Extreme Weight Loss and Beyond

End of week one results...

2009-09-08T13:19:00.001-07:00

Hi all,

I have finished out my first week and Monday's weight was 263 lbs...that is a 5 lb. loss for the week. I am very pleased with that. It's nice to be moving in the right direction.

I ended up eating plain old food all weekend, but I was able to keep it in check. The five days of shakes helped with that. I could have done better...but progress not perfection, as they say.

Tony, Helen, and I went to a cider mill on Saturday. It was nice, There were lots of farm animals. Tony tried to show Helen a goat, but she was more interested in napping. The ducks were especially cute. Later that day we saw a rainbow! My first one since moving to Washington. I'll try to post some pics from Saturday.

Anyway, about the weekend...it feels like a punishment not eating on the weekends. It just didn't feel right. My goal is to get to a place where eating doesn't mean indulging though. I did have an apple fritter on Saturday. Yeah, it was warm and the cider mill is supposedly famous for them. Not an excuse, I know. It was good. I also had some really good blackberry cider. I could have really gone nuts after thast, but I didn't. So, good for me.

I remember when a big weekend treat (at the peak of my weight loss) was a turkey/veggie sandwich on whole grain bread and a tea with cream from Tim Horton's, followed by a hike as a reward...lol. Wow. I'll get back to that feeling some day.

So, five pounds down, and a little less crazy in the head when it comes to food. I hope everyone is doing well. I meant to post yesterday, but the day got away from me. Better a little late than never.

Plan for the week...shakes through Friday, followed by sensible eating on Saturday and Sunday. I'd like to get through the weekend without eating any sweets. AS for exercise...two one mile loops around the neighborhood daily instead of last week's one...very doable.

Take care, and see you next Monday,

Angie

2009-09-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night, and I made it through another day. I think I'm going to start posting once a week. Thank-you guys for seeing me through this week. It is so nice to know people are rooting for me. I'm going to post on Monday whether I make it through the weekend or not, and on Monday's thereafter. I actually feel calm and capable of doing this, at least more so than I have felt in a long time. It feels so nice to have even a fraction of my old confidence back.

I'll be back on Monday...I'm making that promise to myself. :0)

Angie

Day 4...

2009-09-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

I am happy that I have made it this long. I know I possess great self control, it's just hard as heck to tap into it. Today was pretty ok. It was tough, but a bit easier than the past three days. I am cautiously optimistic. :0) Four days of this...wow.

I'm trying to think of fun things to do that'll replace the food. I've gotten used to eating as my main form of recreation. Like, the weekends were all about going out to eat and getting my morning Starbuck's. Oh yeah, the evil Mermaid got ahold of me again. Anyway, I'm trying to make a plan for this weekend. I think I might take Helen for a walk at Greenlake (this park in Seattle). Hubby is busy so it'll just be her and I. I guess I'm worried about not being in the protective bubble of the house. Am I that bad off that I can't go on an outing without it being about the food? I broke that habit before, but it took awhile. If I can go out without eating at least once I'll prove to myself that I can do it.

Deb was talking about sunrises in her blog. Funny thing, I've been going out to see the sunset in the evenings for the past four days (they are beautiful here, orange skies against the silouhette of the mountains). That's so much nicer than an evening binge. In general, I've been thinking about things that I enjoy doing a lot more since I've been doing the shakes. All of the food was numbing my senses. Eek.

Night all,

Angie

Day...3

2009-09-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

I've made it through day three. The cravings come in waves. I'll feel an almost unbearable urge to eat off plan, but I've noticed that if I can manage to sit for a couple minutes and chill the feeling passes. I've just been pushing through somehow. It has really hit home just how long I have gone without taking any difinitive action towards weight loss. I've been eating what I want whenever I want, and just accepting the consequences...feeling guilty, but accepting them.

The simplicity helps. Let's face it, it's nice not having to cook for myself or wash up after. It also helps that protein shakes are totally nonstimulating. Grainy vanilla flavored water just doesn't trigger me. The temporary fix is workin for now. The test will come when I go back on solids.

To answer Deb's question, walks seem to be one of the few things that will calm Helen. She likes motion...walking, drives, being carried. Now, if I could always keep her moving that would be great. She sometimes likes her swing for a little while, but mommy powered motion is her favorite. :0)

Anyway, I feel a little stronger this evening.

Take care guys,

Angie

Day 2...

2009-09-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

I made it through day two on plan. Helen has been crying pretty regularly since around 7 p.m., so things got a little hairy there. Hot tea with a splash of 2% milk really helps. I'm drinking decaffeinated so I should be able to pass out any minute now.

Sooooooo tired. Oh, did a one mile walk with fussy pants as well.

Crumbs of Bagels Past...Day 1

2009-08-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

I made it through today on plan. I am exhausted, stressed, and could easily polish off several thousand calories without batting an eyelash, but I did it. I seriously cannot recall the last time I had an entire on plan day.

I am not literally hungry. I have head hunger. The shakes are doing what I was hoping they'd do...all of a sudden healthy food isn't sounding so bad.

I vacuumed my car today. It was way past time because the crumbs of many, many ill gotten chonga bagels from Starbuck's had accumulated in the upholstery. It was kinda symbolic, sucking them up like that on day one.

Thank-you Sparky, Deb, Zurple, and Angie. Your support and advice is very much appreciated.

I walked about a mile today with Helen as usual. I'm taking it slow for now so as not to get overwhelmed.

On to day two.

Sunday Night, Finally Made a Friggin Video!

2009-08-31T01:06:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it!? I finally grew a pair and made a video...I'm feeling a little feisty right now. It was hard, and I watched it several times in disbelief at how much weight I have gained. There is something about seeing yourself on camera that makes it all seem real. Like tight clothes and visible tummy rolls weren't an adequate indication? Oh well, here I am. I took a positive step by making that video. I finally came out of hiding.

After careful consideration, and a doctor's advice, I have decided to try HMR meal replacement shakes. My calories will not be crazy low, and the exercise has to be moderate. I just can't make weight loss a full time job again. That's ok. I got the idea of doing HMR from the book: "My Big Fat Greek Diet" The author is a doctor who weighed 465 lbs. He seems like a very kind and stable person who had a horrible food addiction. He did the HMR shakes himself, and got his life under control. It's a great book...check it out!

So, I weigh 268 lbs. I stopped breastfeeding because Helen was rejecting my milk. All of a sudden it was ok to eat unhealthy things now and then...yeah right. The same old slippery slope. I went from 238 lbs. to 268 in the blink of an eye. So depressing. None of my clothes fit, and I'm starting to have some of the same problems I had at 350 lbs.

It stops now! I start my shakes in the morning. I will write in this blog each day...if only a sentence in order to stay accountable and stay in the correct mindset. It's too easy to sweep good intentions under the rug.

What I know...tomorrow will be difficult. I will want to quit by 10 a.m. I'll have to go through withdrawals. But, after a few days I will start to feel better...more energetic, less bloated, and the cravings will taper.

Why not just eat healthy food in moderation instead of shakes? I am so far off the deep end at this point that I will binge on anything. Shakes that contain the proper protein/fat/carb ratio with a reasonable calorie content will allow me to reset. I need to stop eating "food" all together at this point. It's sad, but just about anything sets me off right now. It's been like this for a long while, and 300 lbs. is just around the corner. Sometimes I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night thinking about it.

As for exercise, I bought a membership to the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. It's a great place to walk with the baby waby. Unfortunately there is no one who can watch Helen so that I can get to a gym. That's ok. I'll have to rely on walks and exercising at home for now.

Ok, here I go...

Angie

Miss Fuss Budget

2009-07-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, I meant to update before now...I truly did. As I sit here hooked up to an electric breast pump (can we say multi tasking?) I am listening to my little girl scream her cute little head off and waiting for my nipples to finish sterilizing in the microwave. Have I mentoned that it's 1 a.m.???

Things have been crazy and good. Thanks to everyone for the nice comments on my last post. It was really nice to hear from everyone. So much has been happening. I love being a mom, but I think I may have the fussiest baby this side of creation. Helen seems to be rejecting my breast milk and we have been trying different thinggs like ommiting certain foods from my diet, baby zantac in case it's reflux, mylicon in case it's gas, gripe water, and finally formula. She seems to be doing better, she was making these constant grunting/gagging sounds before. The pediatrician seems stumped.

Anyway, the child can cry...up tp several hours at a time, and often doesn't sleep at night...which means I don't sleep at night. All part of being a new mom I know. I do hope she grows out of this though. I have been trying all sorts of soothing techniques from the happiest baby on the block video, but the only thing that really soothes her is if I am constantly holding her.

She is my sweet girl though. I have lots of nick names for her...Baby Boo Boo for when she's crabby, and Miss Marple for when she looks thoughtful or perturbed. Yeah, I need to get out more. Tony was able to get the stroller put together yesterday ( I couldn't get past step one) so I will be taking some much needed walks. MY you and your newborn group starts July 23rd. How I'm gonna get there once a week at 10 a.m. remains a mystery.

So I really have an urge to make a video for the first time in like a year. I don't even want to say it and then not do it, but it seems like a good idea to maybe try one and then see. I'm feeling ready to get back on the wagon. The weight has pretty much been holding steady with all the breast pumping, running around, and sleep deprivation. Cool beans.

Hope you are all well.

Angie

p.s. how can I get my daughter to chill?

2009-06-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry this has to be quick. I had Helen by c-secton on May 22nd at 1:58 a.m. after laboring for 48 hours. She is still in the special care nursery. We are both fine, but she had an infection in her blood (they have been treating her with iv antibiotics since then), and I had some complications with my surgery. My incision burst open and I have/had about 3 liters of fluid in my stomach. The open incision has to be packed twice daily for 4-6 weeks so that it can drain. Tony does it. He has been great. He not only cleans and packs my wound, but figured out a way to do it so that it hurts less. He even fed me when I was too out of it and in pain at the beginning to feed myself. I basically didn't sleep at all for almost a week and started to hallucinate. The doctors didn't realize that all the pain was coming from the fluid putting pressure on the incision. My recovery has been extremely difficult.

I have barely gotten to see Helen in two weeks...just a small visit everyday. She comes home on Friday evening, and I am still rushing to get things ready for her. I was never able to establish breastfeeding because of this. I use an electric pump that I rented from the hospital every three hours around the clock. I never knew it was possible to be this exhausted. I'm going to try straight forward breastfeeding once she comes home, but I'm not getting my hopes up. It would be soooo much more convenient than the pumping/storing/cleaning everything etc.

Bottom line though, Helen is fine. Better than fine. She was born weighing 6 lbs. 5 oz. at 5 1/2 weeks premature. It took her four minutes to breathe on her own though. I can't even explain what it was like lying on that table waiting ti hear her cry. Any future births will have to be by cesarean because of the incision they used...so yeah, I'm thinkin one will be plenty. She's a doll. Oh, and has auburn hair.

I'll update when I can.

Angie

Plugging along

2009-05-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

Not much to report here, but I thought I'd check in. I'm doing pretty well...I've started setting up little Helen's nursery, and I have an overwhelming urge to throw things away and organize...seriously, it's getting out of hand. Problem is, I can't lift heavy things myself anymore, so I have to wait for opportune times to hit Tony up for a little help. On that note, he put the crib together on Saturday. LOL...it wasn't too bad except for a little snafu with a screw that wouldn't go in all the way...it set us back about 45 minutes! I think it took longer to unpack the thing than to put it together. It's a beautiful white convertible crib though...very sturdy.

One of Tony's co workers sent over a big box a baby clothes...all girl stuff (and nice). He and his wife are due in September, and all her friends gave her girl things...they just found out they are having a boy. They are the first hand me downs I've received...I don't know, I got a little emotional. I'm such a dork, but it was nice that he thought of us.

A cool thing happened about 4am last night...I was lying in bed trying to get comfortable (as usual) and Helen was moving around like crazy. So, I turned on my back for just a sec to take pressure of of my poor hip when I thought I saw some movement. I shined a light on my stomach, and I had my first alien baby experience. I could totally see Helen moving around from the outside! I had been waiting for that to happen. With the extra padding I think it took longer for me to experience this. Wow, it was really, really neat.

Anyway, class was good tonight, we swaddled dolls, and listened to a live recording of a baby crying for a couple minutes to get a feel for it. A couple minutes I can handle, I'm more worried about her being colicky and crying for a couple hours. My last class is June 1st ( we skip Memorial Day). I'm a little sad to see it end actually. Sorry guys, like I said, I've got a one track mind right now.

Food has been a bit better...organized exercise (other than housework etc.)is practically nonexistent. I guess I should at least do a little. I feel so darn tired and lazy. I planned on sucking it up and going for a short walk tonight, but it's pouring out. I guess I could get the umbrella...the enthusiasm for physical fitness must be oozing off of the computer screen right now?

Well, please send some non lazy thoughts my way. I could use them. Hope you are all well.

Angie

Overdue Update...

2009-05-11T00:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long absence, but I have been a busy bee over here. Lots has been going on. The big news is that I got married on May 2nd. Tony and I ended up having a very simple ceremony in the office of a retired judge in our city. When I say simple, I mean simple. It was just the two of us, the judge, and two supplied witnesses. That allowed us to truly keep things low key. It's almost impossible to invite one or two guests to a wedding...the whole marriage domino effect. This was nice, and more importantly, short. I was just about 32 weeks along on our wedding day, nauseous, and huge...lol. Not exactly the picture of a blushing bride, but very happy.

After the ceremony we had a very nice dinner at a restaurant on the water, and then ended up spending two days in Ocean Shores, WA...on the ocean of course. It was beautiful there, and we plan taking little Helen there next summer. It ended up that Mt. Rainier was a bit rustic for a preggy lady.

I've been in full nesting mode. As a first time mom I reserve the right to obsess a little about the furniture etc. that I buy for Helen. So, I did a lot of research and ended up ordering just about everything I need from Babies R Us. I placed all the orders in person, and then had to go through a huge rigmarole tracking the items down and getting them there all at once so that Tony and I could rent a Uhaul and pick it all up. It got accomplished though, and we picked all the big items up on Saturday...crib, mattress, dress/changer combo, travel system, pack and play, high chair, and glider with ottoman...phew! I can see how having a shower would be a huge advantage for first time parents...this stuff is expensive. Still, I've had fun gathering things.

My mind and days are pretty much occupied with the baby. I'll be going to my 5th prenatal class on Monday night. So far, it's all about the childbirth part...I was hoping for more of an emphasis on infant care, but our instructor is great...very enthusiastic and more than willing to answer questions. The best part is that I get a back rub at the end of each class during the breathing exercises. :0) Our classmates are all very nice, but the atmosphere is still a bit stiff. I think that's because the class runs from 7-9 pm on Monday nights, and everyone is exhausted...lots of yawning and uncomfortable looking pregnant women shifting around constantly, me included.

So, basically that's my life right now. My first trimester nausea came back in the third trimester, and I actually caught myself waddling the other day! It's getting really tough to do even basic things, like bending over, and when I try to reach for something on a shelf my tummy gets in the way. I huff and puff all the time, hiccup constantly, and have chronic heartburn and yes, constipation. Still, I can be feeling all icky and then the overwhelming realization that I'll have my baby soon washes over me and I experience intense joy. It's an interesting mix of emotions.

My only regret is that I've gained so much weight during this pregnancy. I will probably have to relose a good 50-60 pounds by the time all is said and done. No doubt that regaining old weight sucks to high hell...there's no use sugar coating it. I am just looking forward to being an active mom (once I get to sleep again from what I hear) and slowly taking the weight back off.

As exciting as rapid weight loss is, that's not an option for me anymore. No way I'll be working out 3+ hours a day, and I can't restrict my calories all that much if I'm breastfeeding. I've been wrapping my mind around this during my entire pregnancy. Only I can fully understand my own psychology, so I wouldn't be surprised if people don't understand why someone who can manage a seven pound loss week after week, can't stick to 2,000 calories per day. Success becomes it's own addiction. I didn't start my weight loss that way, but gained momentum beyond my own imagiination. Honestly, I loved it...feeling so powerful. Shedding all of that fat was like being reborn, or released from prison. Maybe similar to recovering from some debilitating disease that robs you of your mobility for years.

I look back and it all seems like a dream. At this point, I would love to eat a healthy amount of food on a daily basis...stopping the unnesecary weight gain would be a huge accomplishment right now. It has become very clear to me, once again, that there aren't any words that someone can say to make things click for a person who is struggling to gain control of their eating.

I remember when I was very involved in gut2cut...all sorts of people would write me desperate for answers. I spent a lot of time trying to help those people...writing out meal plans, exercise routines, little psychological tools that I would use etc. But, it has to be the right time for each individual person, and the determination has to come from within. All of the little tools are important, understanding nutrition is important, having a support system of some kind is important, but each person has to supply their own spark. I can't save anyone else except myself, and noone can save me.

Ok, a little more stream of consciousness there. I hope whoever reads this is doing well and feeling happy.

Angie

Third Trimester :0)

2009-04-07T15:48:00.000-07:00

I finally hit my third trimester on Sunday...28 weeks and 2 days along as of today. I hear that this trimester is the biggie (literally and figuratively). I'm feeling pretty good. My contractions have tapered off a bit...I don't know why, but I don't mind either. Helen is moving around lots, and I'm tired as usual.

Lots has been going on. I just got a brand new Yaris. It's the cutest car ever! It looks like a little black jelly bean, is extremely economical, and has great reviews. I think it was a very wise decision. Thanks to my fiance for that. It's very nice to be able to drive to appointments etc.

We picked out our wedding rings on Saturday. Also very economical, but perfect for our tastes. Mine is a simple white gold band with little diamond and Sapphire chips. There was an insane sale at Kohl's. They should be ready in less than a month.

I'm meeting with pediatricians now. I had my first meeting today. I really liked the doc, but want to meet with one more at least, just to be sure. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with my obgyn.

Now I just need to work out the details of how one gets married and changes her name. I really don't know how to do this (thank goodness for the Internet). I've been so busy that I haven't gotten around to it yet. We're shooting for sometime around the end of this month, or the beginning of May at the latest. I guess I've been thinking about the honeymoon more than the actual wedding...I'm such a slacker, but that's just because I love to see new places. I think we may stay somewhere in or near the Rainier National Park. I can walk down the street and see Mt. Rainier on a clear day. It's massive from here, but then I found out that the park is like two hours away! I asked my fiance what it must be like when your actually there and he said in all seriousness: "Bigger." Smart ass. :0)

As for fitness...yeah well. Not much to report besides an ever expanding behind. Seriously, I never had a huge butt before, but my shape is different than it was pre pregnancy. I'm all stomach and rear. I am walking more though again. That's always positive.

That's about it for an update. I have bought a few newborn short sleeved onesies (pink and girly of course) but that's about all. I'm getting excited to start setting up Helen's nursery.

I hope you are all well.

Angie

Update

2009-03-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to do a quick update and say that the baby is fine. I went to the doctor yesterday and had a very thorough exam. They also did a fetal fiber something or other test which came back negative...this is positive, and even gave me the results the same afternoon.

I'm very relieved. The doctor just said to rest when I get the Braxton Hicks contractions, and:"Stop eating so much." LOL...for her that was very nice, she left it at that because I think she knew I had a bad scare. Sage advice though...I don't know why I hadn't thought of that already. :0)

Anyway, I'm just happy that Helen is fine, and I also got to hear her heartbeat, which is always nice.

Angie

A Scary Day

2009-03-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

Ugh, today at about 4:30 pm I lost my mucous plug. I'm certain it was the plug and not just (sorry if this is gross) discharge of some kind like pregnant women sometimes have. As far as I knew, losing the plug means that you are about to go into labor. Needless to say I was extremely upset. I just kept thinking: "No, this can't happen."

I called my doctor and talked to a nurse practitioner, not before bursting into tears on the phone with the receptionist though. So, losing the plug doesn't necessarily mean I'm going into early labor, but seeing that I've been having the Braxton Hicks so frequently they are having me come in tomorrow at 12:30 to make sure I'm not dilating.

I feel like shit, totally physically and emotionally drained. I wish this hadn't happened, but the main thing is to avoid preterm labor. I'm not even 27 weeks yet. There's a chance the baby would make it, but I don't even want to think about what a struggle that would be. I'm trying to stay calm, but it's hard. I already love my baby.

I guess losing the mucous plug this early can happen to some women. There's not a whole lot of information about it on the web. The what to expect when your expecting book talks about it happening either shortly before labor, or days or weeks before...not this early though. I guess it's there in the first place to protect the baby from infection. I'll see what happens tomorrow. The nurse said they may put me on some medication to stop the contractions.

I keep getting asked how many contractions I have in an hour, but it is really difficult to keep track. It's more about how active I am. Physical activity of any kind seems to be what sets them off. They do go away when I rest though. I just need to be able to articulate this clearly tomorrow so that the doctor gets it. Ok, I'm just talking in circles now. I think I need to go to bed. I'll update tomorrow when I get some news.

Angie

Gettin Stuff Done

2009-03-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

Hi to Jinx and Sparky...thanks for the comments. In response to Jinxy's comment: I'm 26 weeks and one day along now. The contractions are still going strong. The doc knows my walking routine and doesn't seem concerned, but then again, she seems like the type that thinks all pregnant women exaggerate their aches and pains. Honestly though, I have been lazy as heck in terms of formal exercise. The pain is all too good of an excuse. It's hard to know where to draw the line, but I think asking her whether or not I should be taking the walks is probably a good idea. I think the bottom line in her opinion is that I don't gain too much weight.

I'm still working with my OA sponsor which is nice. It's like touching base with sanity (in terms of food) on a daily basis. It also helps to know that no matter how far off the deep end I've gone, someone else out there has been there and done that. I'm not alone.

My very early morning conversations with her weren't working time wise. I was interrupting my sleep and walking around like a zombie all day. For my whole life, no matter how hard I try, I have not been a morning person. I can and have done it, but am never at my best. I thought that I might have to stop the calls, and my sponsor pointed out to me that I was doing something that was very common to compulsive overeaters, and all people with compulsions for that matter. I was catastrophising the situation. Like it had to be all or nothing, and I immediately assumed the worst case scenario (ending my relationship with her). She kind of laughed in a nice way and said: "How about just asking me to change our call time?"
It was simple as that, and now we talk at 8 pm every evening instead of 6:45 am.

In other news, my fiance (I should be calling him that now, since our wedding will most likely take place in May) just got his new car, which has freed up the other car for me to use, which will soon be replaced with a Yaris of my very own! Wheels at last, and I have to admit I'm excited. I can't say I love the bus, even in this area, it's still the bus. It will be very nice to be able to drive to my doctor's appointments and do other errands etc., especially now that I'm starting to feel like a beach ball with legs.

In case anyone wonders, we are having a very simple service in front of a judge, just the two of us. There are far more important things to spend money on right now. Still, I am a girl...maybe we'll renew our vows in a decade or something. As for a honeymoon, we will probably just drive somewhere pretty and stay overnight. I said I don't care where as long as there is a jacuzzi tub in the room for me to soak in. That would be vacation enough in my opinion. :0)

That's pretty much all the news for now. I am going to try and take a little walk, and then hit the hay.

Angie

Contractions

2009-03-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

Not much to report on the food front...I'm managing not to go off the deep end and binge. I'm pretty happy with that right now. Baby steps. That's how I got started on a healthy path in the first place. I ALWAYS want to dive right in and be perfect. Nope.

The big issue on my mind right now is the fact that I am contracting all the time, and have been for the past seven weeks or so. It started as just the tiniest tightening in my uterus, and has progressed in frequency and strength. It downright hurts at times, and I get a burning sensation in my abdomen and back with it.

I know these are Braxton Hicks contractions...just my body's way of preparing itself for childbirth, but they are really interfering with my walks. At first I could ignore them, but now they are strong enough to stop me in my tracks. They start up with barely any activity at all now too. Just getting up off the couch, doing dishes, standing in one place for more than a couple minutes, etc. Today, I walked to the grocery store and had such sharp pains that I had to call my boyfriend and have him pick me up.

I guess I'm just venting, but I'm a little concerned too. I spoke to my doctor about this at my 20 week appointment, and then I spoke to the nurse practitioner about it at my 24 week appointment. The doc seemed unconcerned, and the nurse said to call if I get more than four in an hour. I told her they happen constantly. She suggested lying down and drinking a glass of water, and said if they don't go away when I rest, I should call.

This pregnancy stuff is stressful. I'm really thinking one time will do it for me, my boyfriend agrees. I just don't know if my poor old abused body could take it again. My main concern is that little Helen can hold out until at least 37 weeks. I'd like her to stay nice and warm for as long as possible.

To keep up with some kind of exercise routine I'm thinking that I will do one loop, and then rest at home for a few minutes, or even spread them throughout the day., eventhough the contractions start as soon as I'm out the door. I don't know. It doesn't get much lower impact than walking.

That's about it for now. Hope you are all well. :0)

Angie

I Didn't Binge

2009-03-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

I wrote that whole dramatic post on Tuesday morning about not wanting to binge after my appointment, and I never said whether or not I binged. Well, I did not binge. I ate hearty for sure, healthy on plan foods. I feel proud of that little accomplishment. Yesterday was good as well. Today is tough. I woke up craving blueberry muffins and bacon. No way in hell I'm gonna go and buy blueberry muffins and bacon...the thoughts are there though. Is that pregnancy, compulsive overeating, or both? LOL.

Angie

Today, I want to Break an Unhealthy Pattern

2009-03-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

Like the title says: "Today, I WANT to break an unhealthy pattern." I have an obgyn appointment this morning at 10:50 am. Here's the usual pattern for the past four months (I don't want to make it five)...I see the doctor, she lectures me about my weight gain for the duration of the appointment, I get upset inside like I said before, I leave the appointment and stop off at the grocery store on the way home where I buy binge supplies, I binge.

I clearly recognize that what goes through my head on the way to the store is pure garbage. It's my addiction, compulsion, etc. talking. I think that today is the furthest point from my next appointment, so, I'll have plenty of time to erase any damage that this "one" binge may do. I think that NEXT month I'll show her, heck, I'll be so good that I may even lose a pound or two from all the healthy living. I think that this one binge will surely satisfy me, and I won't do it again and again throughout the month.

Reality check...there is no such thing as a satisfying binge! Compulsive overeating/binge eating disorder (whatever you may call it) is a progressive illness. One binge begets another and another. These faulty thoughts run through my mind because I am searching for a way to justify bingeing right now.

This may seem so obvious, but in the moment these justifications are compelling, and feel irresistible. Today, I want to break this pattern. I do not want to binge or even eat excessively after my appointment. I planned ahead by making sure I had my favorite "on plan" foods in the house. This is kind of an incentive. I also made sure that there isn't a thing in the world I need from the grocery store today. My plan is to get off at my bus stop after the appointment, walk straight home, and make a meal.

I talked to my sponsor about my plan this morning. If I need to, I will call another member of the group, but I haven't embraced the phone yet. I feel really weird calling people I barely know and discussing my personal demons, but if that's what it takes...I know I probably won't do it though...maybe...I don't know yet. Part of the program is that I develop a willingness to do what it takes to stay abstinent. I haven't done that yet.

Ok, I needed to put this plan in black and white this morning. I needed to write what goes through my mind right before this particular kind of binge in order to underscore the futility and irrationality of it. It feels good to be honest.

Angie

My Dissapearing Act

2009-03-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

First off, a special hi to Heather, Deb, Amy, and Angie. Well, I seem to have perfected the disappearing act. No excuses, no shame...just another day of trying to make healthy choices. I guess it has been almost two months since my last post...lol...or should I say it has been almost two months since my last confession? :0)
As usual, there have been many ups and downs. Some days I downright binge...upwards of maybe 6,000 calories or so in a day. It's not at all easy for me to write this. Other days, I behave like a perfectly rational human being. What I do not do is restrict calories. I am painfully aware that bingeing is not at all healthy for the baby. I also know that calorie restriction (my whacked out brand of calorie restriction) would be even worse, so I have not, and will not go there.
The binge/extreme diet cycle went on for maybe six months before I found out I was pregnant. It gets real old, let me tell you. Since I no longer diet, but still binge, I have put on weight. I'm guessing I weigh around 240 lbs. at this point. I will do my scheduled weigh-in on Tuesday morning. Pissy lectures from my obgyn have become a monthly ritual. I basically hold my tongue and try not to burst into tears in front of that woman. I know it is her job to advise me not to gain too much weight during pregnancy. But, I wish she would say her peace, do her professional duty, and shut up about it, instead of making me feel like garbage throughout the entire appointment. I feel like screaming at her that I am a compulsive over eater, and am totally out of control...that I don't know when/how/if I will regain any kind of sanity with this any time soon. I just do my best to manage this thing day by day.
I get very tired of thinking about this (compulsive eating) all the time. The constant struggle is exhausting. That's why I disappear. I know isolating hurts...it doesn't help, but at times I just want to be left alone with the food. It's sad and frightening, but true.
This is such a downer post, but I do have some positive news to report though. I joined OA (Overeater's Anonymous) about three weeks ago, and was immediately approached by a woman around my age with two young ones of her own who offered to be my sponsor. I never would have sought out a sponsor on my own. I find it almost impossible to ask people for help. Since one of my biggest issues is the fact that I isolate when I'm "in the food" this is a positive thing. I call her six mornings each week at a scheduled time, and we talk for ten minutes. We talk about whether or not I was on plan the day before, whether I have a plan for today, and any issues or feelings that arise. Then, she gives me a reading/writing assignment to complete for the day. I have not misses a scheduled phone call since joining the group. I haven't stuck with anything that consistently for a long time. I still eat way off plan some days (definitely in a compulsive way) but without such a frenzy. I'm having more reasonable days, and less crazy days. What I'm not consistent with is making the 8:30 am meeting each Saturday. I've been to two, and missed two. Chalk that up to part exhaustion, laziness, and lack of commitment.

Like I have said before: "I will never stop working at this."

Other than the whole delightful food obsession/numbing out thing my life has actually been pretty good. I am 24 weeks pregnant as of today (Sunday). I have been feeling the baby move since my 21st week, and I LOVE that! It is the coolest feeling, and I like to talk to her a little bit when she's especially active, which is often. I found out that I am having a girl during my 20 week ultrasound. That was February 11th. I posted a picture of her giving a thumbs up on this page. I hope anyone who reads this can make it out. Her dad picked her name (Helen Antigone). We've been calling her little Helen since before we knew her gender. I plan on starting the whole process of buying baby furniture/necessities when I'm 30 weeks along. I hope that won't be cutting it too close. I just took an infant/child CPR course at my local fire station, and I start my prenatal classes on April 13th. I've signed up for three...comprehensive childbirth and infant care, breastfeeding, and one that meets for five weeks after the baby is born. I think these classes will increase my chances of meeting other moms in the area. I’m scared, but excited. I think I’ll be just fine as long as I’m able to get out there and make a friend or two.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. I hope you are all well. Here’s to better days ahead.
Angie

Crazy Sweet Tooth

2009-01-13T23:46:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

I just came back from my walk and it was a good one. As long as I don't skip any nights (which I still do sometimes) my time seems to improve a little each day. I walked the four miles in just barely over an hour, and I was pleased with that, considering my huffing and puffing.

My food and water were both great today. My sodium was nice and low too. For lunch I ate a fresh sliced red bell pepper, hummus, wheat crackers, and an apple. It didn't "sound" good while I was making it, but once I started to eat it was delicious. I think that veggies seem more gross than they actually are. Like, I may not crave them right now, but after the first bite I remember that I actually like them. I had romaine lettuce and my sodium free black eyed pea recipe for dinner, and another apple. I ate a ton of cherries this morning. My boyfriend happened upon an unusually good sale the other day and bought them for me.

I have been hitting the fruit pretty hard the past few days. I know this is because I am craving sweets like a crazy person. My cravings are so intense at times that I think I won't be able to take it. I want candy etc. So, I'm eating extra fruit and it seems to be helping. There was a time when I would only allow myself one fruit per day, now doesn't seem to be the time for that!

So, all in all a very good day. I was pretty sick this morning an afternoon though. My headache has been pretty bad. Fortunately, I have felt good for the past few hours. I hope the headache stays away. It's late, but I'm about to fill out the necessary forms for registering for my hospital stay when I have the baby. I've been procrastinating, and now it's time to just get it done already. :0)

Angie

Long Time No Post :0)

2009-01-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the extended absence. I'm not disappearing again though. I can see not taking the time to shoot and upload videos, but blogging a few sentences is just too darn easy. No excuses.

First, good news...I went to the OBGYN last Thursday and found out that I only gained one pound. Considering that was for the entire Christmas season, I was very pleased. My doctor actually cracked a smile too and gave me a high five...LOL. Also, I was scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound on February 11th, where I will find out the sex of the baby! I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat again on Thursday. It was 160 bpm, and the doc said once again that it sounds like a girl. I LOVE hearing the baby's heartbeat. I float along for the rest of the day, and I wish I could hear it everyday.

Since my last post I have been doing pretty well. My boyfriend and I have started the daunting task of downsizing, to be followed by rearranging, and finally purchasing things that the baby will need. Downsizing is a pretty tough first step, as it involves clearing out a storage unit, selling and shipping some things, donating others, and throwing out the rest. We are trying to get rid of the storage unit all together because it's $100.00 a month down the drain. The furniture in the apartment needs to be rearranged, and the back den/exercise room will be a bedroom. Our small indoor/outdoor closets will just have to do. We are thinking of adding some kind of storage wall unit, but they are all pretty pricey. Still, it would pay for itself in about a year. Sheesh. I guess this is nesting?

All of this activity is pretty exhausting to a headachey insomniac like myself. On a positive note, my boyfriend bought me this awesome looking pregnancy pillow. It is shaped like a giant rectangle. The woman lies in the empty center and it is supposed to cradle the entire body. I'm not all that pregnant yet, but my hips are sore from trying to make sure I sleep on my side. Plus, my stomach was big to begin with, and is looking much rounder these days. I would say I am definitely starting to show, especially when I'm looking at my naked tummy area in the mirror. :0) So, any extra support and comfort would be much appreciated. It should get here on Monday in time for my b-day.

The walking is good. I did my four miles yesterday and today, plus walks to the store. So, that's about five miles each day. My food today was excellent, yesterday was good, Saturday was lumped all into one meal (never a good idea). All in all, I'm doin ok. I have been listening to more Stuart McLean stories during my walks, and I was laughing so hard today that I was crying. I love comedy, but it is often times pretty raunchy, which doesn't bother me too much. I will still enjoy it, but it's nice that this stuff is so hilarious and pretty PG.

Oh, I had two separate doctor's appointments last week, which contributed to my silence. They are morning appointments. After sleepless nights, and getting to and from on the bus, I was pretty wiped out. I found out my thyroid is still under active, so the doc upped my dosage of medication.

Other than that, I have been wrestling with the insurance provider trying to find out definitively which prenatal testing is covered. They literally seem to be unable to tell me with 100% certainty, and I think it's on purpose so more people opt out of it. I have been calling back and forth from labs to the insurance company tracking down procedure codes, tax id numbers, bill charge amounts, and diagnosis codes. It's kind of insane, but one mistake and I'm sent a $1,500 bill for a test that isn't even 100% accurate anyways. What the heck to women do? I've already opted for the less expensive, less accurate quad screen that checks foe genetic abnormalities. There's also a cystic fibrosis test available. I think this one isn't such a bad idea, because if something were detected the pediatrician could prepare, and the child would be treated much sooner. But, if I can't find out for certain that it's covered, I can't risk having the test performed. It's very frustrating. I just want to make the right choices. Medical advances are wonderful, but they can also complicate things.

Well, that concludes my little rant. Just the latest issue. I'll sum up by saying that I'm feeling happy. I'm 16 weeks and 2 days along now, and I'm really starting to feel it.

Take care!

Angie

Pregnant Lady Doing Lunges...

2009-01-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

Um, no, not me (the pregnant lady doing lunges I mean, as my title might suggest). I was walking to the bus stop, on my way to get my thyroid re screened (I have to do this every six weeks now) when I noticed an extremely pregnant woman doing rapid lunges as I walked past my old gym. Wow, did I feel like a slacker! In my defense, I have never been able to do a lunge without excruciating knee pain, not even at my most fit, but jeese louise. Good for her, wow.

Today I was asked about my workout routine during pregnancy. I'm super thrilled when I get my four mile walk in. I think that counts as a routine?

So, the past four days have been "ok". I am going through a major bout of insomnia again. It seems to always be there lately, with occasional flare ups. It is going pretty much full force right now. I may sleep a few hours during the night. I then try to stay awake during the day in hopes of getting a good night's sleep, but I always pass out sometime around early afternoon for a couple hours or so. The result is that I have huge bags under my eyes, a headache, and I can't concentrate on anything.

I've also been a little weepy. Today I was listening to a recorded Christmas story by Stuart Mclean (he is hilarious), I love those wacky Canadians, and I basically started to sob over this story. The story was funny, but at the end this husband wraps the family's pear tree in red lights as a gift for his wife. She wakes up in the middle of the night with a red ribbon tied around her wrist that leads to the tree. You probably just need to listen to the story for yourself, but the ending was very sweet. Nothing to get all weepy over though.

Anywhoo, Saturday's eating was ok calorie wise, although I had two .99 chicken sandwiches from Wendy's out of desperation. I hadn't eaten all day because of a general sick and crappy feeling, only to be ravenous that evening. Bad, but I just didn't want anything at home. I skipped the walk too, but did lots of shopping, which I say counts as exercise.

Sunday I ate healthy food, but too much of it. I did housework, but skipped my walk.

Monday I ate way too much cheese and bread. I bought the cheese and bread in the hopes of adding some variety to my diet. I tried to dole it out like a healthy eater, but I see I'm not there yet. I am soooo not there. The wheat bread and cheddar are gone, good riddance. I did do my walk on Monday night though. It felt nice.

Today the food was very healthy. I think I ate too much cereal though (shredded wheat, yum). I think I wanted the sweet. I've been like a walking zombie all day from lack of sleep, and skipped my walk. I really should have gone though.

I'm shooting for an on track day tomorrow both with food and exercise. I'm about to try and get some sleep as soon as I post this. I think the trick is to clear my mind. Simple concept, yet tougher than it seems.

Angie

PHEW...

2009-01-03T00:52:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, am I glad to be home! It's about 12:30 on Friday night, and I just finished my nightly walk (happy to be able to say it's becoming a "nightly" event again) and it was a doosie. There is a bit of uphill walking involved here and there and I had to stop several times to catch my breath. I also encountered a large loose dog, ends up the owner just lets the dog loose to go and do his business (a long standing pet peeve with me).

As usual, it felt good to get it done. What would I do without NPR and Rhapsody? By the way, I think Rhapsody is 100 times better than iTunes. For something like $15.00 per month I can download all the music I could ever want onto my tiny little device (the Sandisk). I can clip it onto my scarf or collar, very convenient. The really cool thing is that it also has an FM radio tuner. I am a huge fan of public radio, so this is perfect. Sometimes just listening to prerecorded music can get a little cold, I like to hear the dj's and radio hosts talk.

Food was good today. I finally made the whole wheat thin crust pizza, and it was pretty darn good if I may say so myself. It's a little time consuming, but a very reasonable alternative to fattening gooey traditional pizza. I may post a couple recipes at some point. This one is worth the effort. The rest of my meals were on target both with portion size and sodium...I did eat too much peanut butter though. I think I had two servings, and that stuff is just chocked full of calories. But, like the frozen crap that was clogging up my freezer, the peanut butter is no more.

I keep transitioning to more and more reasonable behavior, which is the goal. My instincts still scream for me to engage in hardcore dieting behavior now and again, but thankfully that isn't an option for me anymore. It's actually a relief. I feel pretty good. However, I have the sinking suspicion that I gained weight over the holidays. This is going to earn me a good reaming at the doc's. So be it. I'm doing better now.

The big goal for tomorrow is not to treat it like a "free" Saturday. That behavior was pretty well enforced over the past year or so. It's become a tough habit to break, but while I'm eating approximately 2,000 calories a day I just can't indulge like I used to. I've been making good progress, and I can't afford anymore water retention right now. I think I'll use the bit of momentum I've gathered over the past few days to get through the day on track.

A great Saturday to all,

Angie

New Year's Day

2009-01-01T23:29:00.000-08:00

It's about 11:30 pm on New Year's Day, and I am happy to report that the past two days have gone really well. I just finished my four mile walk, and even improved my time. I stayed within a healthy calorie and sodium range on both days. Not the 1,800 I'm working towards, but right around 2,000.

I did skip my walk on New Year's Eve out of plain old exhaustion. I had insomnia again the night before and was dragging all day trying to stay awake. I did however eat a ton of romaine lettuce and and black eyed peas that day (my version of taco salad) and drank lots of water. Veggies and water were two goals I had set the night before, so kudos to myself on that. I also did well today, but the veggies could have been better.

So, like I said, I did well these past two days, but I had to employ a lot of good old fashioned willpower. Today was especially tough. I REALLY wanted to go out to eat, and I'm not talking about a sensible meal out. I basically wanted to stuff my face. I even had a dream about the food I wanted; for crying out loud! My boyfriend was the voice of reason. Although I didn't want to hear it at the time, I was really glad that we didn't end up going, and that I ate healthy to boot. I'll be going out on January 19th for my b-day and not before that, dangit.

I am starting to feel a little less bloated. This is a good sign that my efforts are beginning to pay off. I'll see what happens on January 8th when I have my next doctor's appointment.

I have also been playing around with the idea of having a weigh in day again...just to make sure I stay on track. It might help me stay accountable. Saturday morning's always worked well for me.

I feel like I should post some New Year's Resolutions or something...I have been contemplating the kind of year I'd like to have. Obviously, it'll be a big one with the baby coming.

Here's a few...

1. Moderation...both with food and exercise
2. Become more creative in the kitchen...I'm in a food rut. I need to actively seek out recipes that will taste good without a bunch of added salt (my lifelong nemesis). They still need to be fairly simple though.
3. Keep my mind sharp...it's gotten just a tad bit mushy since I've been out of school.
4. Extend my creativity to exercise as well. This is an old tune with me...I tend to like what I like, and then get pretty stubborn when it comes to trying new things.
5. Do my best to be a good mom.

That's about it for now, Happy New Year!

Angie

Tuesday, exercise feels good!

2008-12-31T00:19:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I am happy to report that after posting my blog on Monday night I did actually go for a walk...a good one. I also walked tonight. I can take this little loop around the neighborhood that allows me to stay pretty close to home at all times. This is handy in case I need to use the facilities (an even bigger issue since the pregnancy).

I have guesstimated that the loop is about a mile long. During my peak speed walking days over the summer, I could complete the loop in about 15 minutes. It takes me much longer now, but no biggie. Since the pregnancy I try to do the loop four times in a row...so approximately four miles a day. This isn't too much for a seasoned walker like myself.

Still, the walk is MUCH harder than it used to be. I huffed and puffed the whole way. I used to fly through eight laps during the summer while barely breaking a sweat! I know why. My exercise has been sporadic at best. Partly due to the baby, and partly just plain laziness. I am definitely not in the shape I used to be in. I haven't gained an enormous amount of weight, but I have lost a ton of muscle and replaced it with fat. Realistically, there was little chance that I was going to keep up the exercise regimen I had maintained throughout my weight loss. Three hours of hard exercise a day? Nope.

I also have the bad habit of exercising hard, instead of smart. I'm sure I could have achieved the same muscle tone in less time through resistance training etc. I did use hand weights though during my entire step workout each day (an hour long), and I got to be pretty handy with a kettlebell too. I also did lots of core work with my balance ball.

Can pregnant women do abdominal exercises? I would think not. Contracting the abs just doesn't seem like a good idea right now, but I could be wrong. I wouldn't even try until I found out for sure from my doctor.

Anyway, I cancelled my gym membership months ago as a money saving measure. I didn't regret this at all during the summer when the weather was pretty much perfect, but I'm feeling the sting a bit now. The money was going to waste. I have a bug up my butt about the gym here. It's in this beautiful neighborhood, but it's kind of dirty and falling apart. The machines are always broken, and they blare the most awful music that I can't even drown out with my own headphones. Honestly, it got kind of tedious and annoying.

When the baby comes I won't have the free time to go to the gym anyways. My boyfriend is generally gone 12-14 hours each day. He basically has to come home, eat dinner, sit for a minute, and then go right to bed. I'll just have to figure something else out. I think the baby and I will go for lots of walks, and when the weather is bad I'll have to force myself to exercise at home. There is nothing quite like a walk outside, it almost doesn't even seem like exercise to me.

So, to sum up a bit, I walked approximately four miles yesterday, and then again today. Exercise is what worked for me before and allowed me to lose so much weight. It seems to act as a natural appetite suppressant and mood elevator. I just plain don't want to muck it up by eating crap after an exercise session. Tonight was a good example. I was having some pretty powerful cravings before my walk. I promised myself that I would do one lap before deciding to eat anything else. Well, once I did the one lap I felt more in control, not great, but definitely better. I just pushed through the next three laps. It was tough, and I was tired the whole way, but i feel like I accomplished something over the past two days.

As for today's eating...decidedly better. Exercise comes easier to me...the eating is another matter entirely. But, like I mentioned above, the exercise slowly leads to better food choices. I keep thinking: "Slow and steady." I ate around 2,200 cals, and the salt was within a half way healthy range (finally). I didn't eat a single vegetable though, and I was low on my water intake, I'll work on that tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I am trying to resist the urge to eat what I want based on the fact that it's New Year's eve. I'm not even doing anything out of the ordinary tomorrow. It would just be an excuse to eat. I'd love to bring in the New Year by having a healthy day. I am making a thin crust whole wheat pizza from scratch for my boyfriend. There isn't a bit of white flour or added salt. The sauce is even sodium free. Also, he doesn't want cheese on it. Very healthy sounding right? Well, I do have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to pizza.

I am happy to make it for him, but I didn't even plan on trying it. How immature is that? To me, the recipe sounds like whole wheat bread with tomato sauce...not pizza. I will readjust my attitude and at least TRY it. No cheese though eh? Oh well.

Ok, a VERY Happy New Year to anyone who reads this!

Angie

Monday night, Doin Alright

2008-12-29T22:23:00.000-08:00

I'm feelin a bit punchy. I think that might be because I had a five hour nap today. I can't begin to express how thankful I am that I have the opportunity to take a nap when I need it. I know that not all pregos get this kind of opportunity. I appreciate it. Seriously though, my sleeping schedule is so out of whack right now. I am a night owl by nature, and always have been. It takes constant discipline for me to adapt to a day schedule, although I always do when I have to.

I figure it this way...people keep telling me that I won't sleep once the baby comes, I have had terrible insomnia for the past couple of months, so I am going to sleep when I can...until my peanut makes his/her appearance. Then, I will adapt to a schedule. Maybe I'll get lucky and the baby will sleep through the night. I know, dream on. :0)

I should mention that it looks as if I will be doing the stay at home mom thing. Have I mentioned this before? I think it's the right thing for me. My earning potential just can't match the cost of childcare around here. The cheapest I found was a spot in an infant room for $994.00/month! I'd be lucky to even make that much after taxes.

It's easier for me though in a sense because I do not yet have a career that I love, or even like. I think of women who have invested time, money, and great amounts of effort into developing their careers. Whether or not the woman loves her career, it is hers and she earned it. What do these women do when a baby comes along?

I imagine that a trusted family member or friend would be a great assett. Other than that, daycare would be the only option if the woman chooses to continue working (unless the dad chooses to be a stay at home dad, or the couple works opposite shifts so one parent will always be with the child). If none of these options are available the mother or couple has to be able to AFFORD the daycare. It just seems like a very tough situation.

This kind of thing has been on my mind because I sometimes detect a little rift between advocates of stay at home moms and working moms. I have been looking for a pregnancy group to join, and some of the descriptions out right exclude either stay at home parents or working parents. I think it has to just be a personal decision, and people should not judge eachother on this. No matter what, from what I hear, raising children is a pretty darn tough job.

Anyway, I am about half way through a BA in a field I'm not even sure I want to pursue anymore, and I do not yet qualify for in state tuition in Washington. Neither my partner or I have any family in this state, and I can't think of a person in the world who could take care of my child. Besides all of that, I simply WANT to be my child's primary caregiver. I guess I just don't want to feel like I will have to justify this decision to anyone. Noone has been on my back about this at all. My partner is 100% supportive of me staying home. My mind tends to flit from one thing to nother nowadays.

Finally, here comes the tie in to weight...sadly, I chose my college based on the fact that it had tables and chairs for the students throughout. I was around 350 lbs. at that point. I had visited other colleges in the area, which all had tight desks. At the time, I would have been mortified to ask for special seating. What would they have done anyway, put me at a table away from the rest of the class? I just wasn't comfortable enough with myself to go through that.

So, I chose this college based on seating, and it didn't have the program I wanted. I chose the most closely related program, which ends up is almost unheard of, and puts me at a much lower pay scale than the psychology degree I wanted to pursue. Washington doesn't even offer a Human Service degree. Many of my credits will not transfer as well.

I do regret this, but I have to move on. I did learn a lot at school, and I proved to myself that I am smart enough to keep a consistent 4.0. What this will do for me in monetary terms I do not yet know. I do know that if I choose to, I can complete my degree someday. I might go in a completely different direction.

I guess I had a lot to say today. Oh, my eating was pretty off. Again with the salt. See how I just slip that in real quick? On a positive note, my partner is willing to keep the frozen stuff out of the house for now. I told him that I tried, but it's just too darn tempting when it's right here. He was like: "Ok, no big deal." Something like that. He's trying for moderation...like having candy and other enticing things around without eating too much of it. I know this is the ultimate goal, but I am not there yet, and I am trying really hard to get back on track. My food plan I wrote yesterday would have been completely satisfying. The siren song of the Stouffer's french bread pizza was too much to bear. Maybe I will stick to the plan tomorrow.

Right now, I am going for a walk. The snow has finally melted, and I seem to feel the most energetic and non queasy at night. I'm going to take advantage of this and get some exercise.

Night all!

Angie

Sunday Recap

2008-12-29T00:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it's after midnight on Sunday night. I should be in bed, but I'm finding that I enjoy ending my day with these posts. I was soooo sick today. I threw up for the second time this morning. Why now all of a sudden? Today was finally the first day of my second trimester (week 14). This is supposed to be the time when the pregnancy symptoms ease up a bit, not get worse. I was basically unplugged all day long. My energy was nonexistent. So, when I was finally able to eat I was STARVING. Not good.

I did pretty well considering though, except that my sodium intake was outrageous. I'm very bloated, and I know if I could just cool it on the salt I'd feel much better. I'm like a water balloon right now.

The thing with "good" tasting frozen food is that although some of it may be reasonable on the calories, the salt is through the roof. A perfect example is the Marie Calender's frozen turkey dinner I ate today. It only has 350 calories, but about 1,400 mgs of sodium. I also ate a cup of noodles...they keep mysteriously appearing in the cupboard...almost 2,000 mgs of sodium! I shouldn't be having more than 2,400 mgs of sodium daily, and even that's too much for me. My body just holds onto the water like crazy. That wasn't all though. Another meal had around 350 cals, but another 800 mgs of sodium. Jesus, I probably had 6,000 mgs of sodium before the day was done, yet I stayed within my calorie range. This just isn't going to work.

I feel like saying it's not fair, but that would clearly be whining. Still, I wish I could eat this stuff without getting all the damn salt that bloats me up like the stay puft marshmallow woman. I know I can do maybe one salty meal each day. My most realistic bet would probably be to save it for dinner. Oi.

On a positive note, it only takes a few days of being careful with the salt before my body releases a lot of water weight. I think I need to plan my meals for tomorrow. I'll do it right now. Ok...

Breakfast:
frosted shredded wheat...2 servings (I find that fills me up)
soy milk...2 cups
calories= 620

snack:
yoplait yogurt
calories= 100

lunch:
healthy choice chicken noodle soup
romaine salad with baby carrots and light dressing
calories= 350

snack:
fat free cottage cheese
pineapple
calories= 200

dinner:
I'm thinking approximately 600 cals, which would put me around 1,870 cals. That would be an improvement. This is the tough meal. My boyfriend tends to eat different food than I do. I rarely eat what I make him for dinner (his food tends to be extremely healthy, and bean laden). I fully support him in this...I just can't eat that many beans.

I'm kind of at a loss. I can think of appealing things, but then I'd be way over on the dang salt again. Ok, I might have a spicy chipotle black eyed pea dish I made and froze in single servings. It actually tastes really good, and has zero added sodium. I wish I knew of more recipes that tasted good without the salt. I put this over lettuce and add a little salsa...hoila, healthy taco salad.

Tomorrow's food should put me right around 2,400 mgs of sodium. I can deal with that. Jeese do I babble or what? Like I said before, stream of consciousness.

Time to get thee to bed.

Angie

Saturday Night Rundown

2008-12-27T23:30:00.000-08:00

Today was almost like a typical Saturday, except that I did not eat out at a restaurant, which was in line with one of my goals, and I didn't gorge myself on sweets. Unfortunately that had become a Saturday staple. I did however have a big cookie around 1 pm. I didn't obey the cardinal rule of healthy eating. I skipped breakfast and had been shopping for a very long time. I let myself get way too hungry. Usually I'm very good about not missing breakfast, but I was in a hurry this morning...blah, blah, blah.

My food choices throughout the day were in no way exceptionally healthy...maybe not even healthy, but I think the cals were in the 2,000-2,500 range. Not great, but not a binge either. I could have done without the cookie. I also had some dried pineapple and yogurt raisins...not too bad. In the evening I had a cherry tootsie pop while watching The Sound of Music. As for actual food...I ate two ham, cheddar, and egg sandwiches on whole wheat toast. One for lunch, and another for dinner. I think I get bonus points for the whole wheat right? Maybe not. I only used the tiniest spray of olive oil in the pan so the food wouldn't stick...no butter or anything on the toast. I ate about 10 small mushrooms today, and a fat free yoplait yogurt...blackberry. I think that's it. I had only bought a small amount of cheese because I am a notorious cheese addict, and it's just best that I don't have it too often. Also, too much dairy gives me a stomach ache. I'm probably forgetting something. Most certainly I am.

I'd like to not have any more sweets until maybe next Saturday. I might allow a cookie, or piece of candy then. I don't know yet. Exercise included walking around the various stores and putting away lots of groceries. I was running around all day though.

I need to continue getting things sqared away tomorrow...housework etc. It should be a pretty straightforward day with no big deviations to my schedule. That usually helps. I should mention that my partner has had the entire week off, and we have a giant knack for sitting around together frittering away time. It can get too easy to be laaaaazy. Monday it's back to business as usual, and the holidays are basically over. I don't have any special plans for New Years, and that's just fine with me. :0)

Angie

A Transition Day

2008-12-27T00:13:00.000-08:00

Today was not a total bust. As an on track day I would give it a half hearted "Meh". As a transition day towards getting back on track, I would give myself a wavering thumbs up...especially considering that my head has felt like it was splitting open for the better part of the day. Since this blog is mostly for myself I will go ahead and whine all I want...ouch...ouch...ouch! I had a continuous headache for two weeks. It went away for a few days, and has come back. I know it is probably hormones. I told the doc about it and she said: "Well, you are pregnant." Well, duh.

I have permission to take a ONE time only dose of three ibuprofen. That medication is usually off limits during pregnancy as it decreases amniotic fluid. I'm not going to risk it though just in case. I even went completely off of caffeine a month and a half ago after reading that a study suggested that more than 200 mg per day could increase the risk of miscarriage. Overly cautious or not, I figure why risk it. I had been right at 200 mg of caffeine daily for years. I really don't miss it all that much, just occasionally. This was a very pleasant surprise.

Back to the food. I ate the cheesy vegetable lasagna. It was a bit triggery and I definitely wanted the other one that was sitting in the freezer. It wasn't horrible though, and I only ate the one. I should mention they are small, and about 350 cals. Later I ate too much cup o' noodles...two cups. The calories were within range, but I blew my sodium intake out of the water, which is what I am trying so hard to avoid. It may be contributing to my headaches, although my blood pressure has been great.

The excess calories came later. I ate cereal and french fries tonight after hitting my allowed calories for the day. Oh crap, I also had a peppermint patty that was in the cupboard. All told, I had approximately 2,200 calories today. This is an improvement, but if I keep it up I will gain more weight. Tomorrow I will do a bit better. If I hit 2,000 cals I won't be disappointed.

I should also mention that I didn't get any formal exercise today. That makes what I ate worse. I just felt physically awful all day. Besides the headache I am just very tired and queasy. I can handle the fatigue and queasiness, but throw in a headache (a bad one) and I'm knocked on my ass.

I did, however, watch Anne of Green Gables, The continuing story. I was a little sad when it was over because that's the last movie in the series. If I have a little girl we will definitely read the books.

So, for tomorrow...1,800-2,000 cals. I will try to cool it on the salt. The cups o' noodles are all gone so this should be a little easier. I need to get some shopping and chores done so I will be moving around a decent amount. What other exercise I do may well be influenced by how badly my head hurts, hopefully not at all. I would love to sit down and brainstorm on how I can add more variety to my diet. I have a habit of eating the same thing over and over again until I get sick of it. Then, I move on to the next thing and repeat the cycle. My partner (hi honey) is a big opponent of this mono eating behavior (as he has coined it). ;0) Sometimes mono eating works for me, but I can admit when I need a little variety.

Three important criteria are that the food be simple, healthy, and cheap. I also want it to be tasty. My well of creativity seems to be a bit dry right now. It's just so easy to heat up a can of Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup, but that gets boring.

Angie

Here I go...

2008-12-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

Ok...OK...lol. It is 10:05 pm on Christmas night. I think I can safely say that I have partaken in every conceivable Christmas treat I could possibly want. I am done. I think it helps to actually put this into words. Tomorrow is a new day. I have a plan. I've also decided to make posting my daily calories (if not listing every bite of food, which could become tedious ) another goal.

I know I can do this. I won't be getting skinny any time soon, but that is so not the point right now. I can take a huge chunk out of my compulsive eating behavior though. I really can do this. It struck me that I haven't truly believed this in the last nine months or so. There have been so many changes in my life...maybe it takes a year to get your head back on straight after major upheaval...who knows?

I have what I need. I am in a stable situation, in a stable relationship, and I have some months to devote to myself before the baby comes. The next few days will be tough. It's almost like detoxing. I've been eating a lot of junk this holiday season. I'm going to do what I did way back at the very beginning of my weight loss in May 07'...take it nice and slow.

That means not expecting perfection in my food choices. My aim is to stay within my 1,800 calorie limit, and keep my food choices relatively healthy. For example, I wouldn't normally allow myself the cheesy yummy frozen vegetable lasagna (even though it's only 350 calories and makes a great meal with a green salad). It would seem too decadent, and I'd be afraid that it would trigger me into a binge. I have to learn how to eat stimulating things in healthy portion sizes.

It always backfires when I push for perfection lately (well, over these last nine months now). I want the stimulating food so badly that instead of allowing just a little, I flip out and eat way too much. There has to be a middle ground. Part of me, and it is a big part, understands the argument for complete abstinence. It even worked for me before. I pretty much lost my first 150 lbs. that way. I'd abstain from ALL stimulating foods for six days a week, and loosen the reins a bit on Saturday.

Looking back, I see that loosening the reins a little turned into loosening the reins a lot, which turned into loosening the reins on various days of the week...and there you have it. Would I have been better off with complete abstinence, or was I being too rigid to begin with, and consequently denying myself the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with food? After all, a person should be able to enjoy A cookie right? I mean, without it turning into some inner struggle? Is this something I should practice?

This is all just stream of consciousness. I need to get this out in order to figure it out.

To recap...1,800 cals tomorrow...1 hour of nice and easy exercise, maybe even broken up throughout the day considering my lack of energy and queasiness ...moderate and tasty food choices. I don't expect it to be easy. If I have to maybe I'll blog my feelings when I'm in the thick of the struggle.

Tomorrow I will be able to write that it was a good day.

Angie

Christmas and a New Year

2008-12-25T02:15:00.000-08:00

First of all, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year to anyone who might read this. Eventhough I have been focused on all things baby, and maybe partly because of that, I have been thinking about the kind of year I'd like 2009 to be. Well, I keep gaining weight and I would love for that to stop this instant. I'm around 220 lbs. now. Realistically, I will be eating pretty much what I want today. It is Christmas and I don't feel the need to take this liberty away from myself, but I would love to reincorporate healthy changes into my daily routine starting December 26th. I know how it sounds...I'll start tomorrow, wow.

I do have some concrete goals though...

1. Not to eat out again until January 19th (my birthday). This has to do with health, but also saving money.

2. Exercise moderately (usually walking) for one hour each and every day...no excuses if there is snow on the ground. I have weights and an exercise bike. I can also do pregnancy yoga etc.

3. To stop the 2-3 day cycle. My tendency is to do well for 2-3 days, and then muck up the rest of the week.

4. My standing goal is to eat 1,800 healthy calories per day (obgyn's instructions).

Speaking of my obgyn, I got a heck of a lecture at my last appointment. I gained 5 lbs. in about five weeks...ouch. She didn't let it go either. She told me to stop eating chips when I suggested it might be water retention. I informed her that I don't eat chips, just a lot of other salty foods (I was desperate) and the look she gave me clearly stated that she thought I was completely full of crap. Well, I was full of crap food, but I wasn't lying about the chips.

I don't relish the thought of seeing her again even heavier...January 8th is my next appointment. I can't actually "diet" so it is what it is. I can accomplish my goals and stop the unnecessary weight gain though. Wish me luck.

I still wonder why the fact that I am having a baby isn't enough to shock me into consistent healthy eating? I am so looking forward to having this child, and I want him/her to be healthy. I know I've said this before, I haven't figured it out yet though. All I can say is that compulsive overeating has had a hold on me for 30 years...it takes time and buckets of patience.

It also strikes me as ridiculous that I should feel motivated by the fact that my doctor is slightly scary. What am I, 12-years-old? LOL.

Sunday is the first day of my second trimester. From what I have read, some of my symptoms "might" begin to ease up. That would be great to feel less queasy and exhausted. Strange thing though was that I actually threw up for the first time this morning (sorry, gross). I have good days and bad days, it's all just part of the process I suppose.

I have calmed down A LOT since finding out about the baby on November 1st though. Reading helps..."Your baby's first year" by the American Academy of Pediatrics has a ton of practical information. I'm also starting to visualize how the baby will fit into our 850 square foot apartment. I think arrangeing the baby's things to fit will be like a game of Tetris. I was really good at that game. :0)

I'm thinking of posting my daily food intake and calories on this blog. I don't want to make it an official goal yet, but it might help. So, here's to a great New Year.

Happy Holidays,

Angie

OH Baby!

2008-11-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm not sure if more than one or two people read these infrequent and shlumpy posts, but that's ok. I guess I'm just writing this for my own benefit mostly. :0) On November 1st I found out that I am expecting my first child. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I am very happy. This is something I've wanted for a good ten years. Recently, I had just come to grips with the fact that it may never happen. That was a tough process.

My eating has not been good at all though. I'm surprised at myself actually. I always assumed that if I ever became pregnant, motherly instinct would instantly take over, and I would eat only perfectly healthy food. Granted, I've been through some major stress lately, including spotting and loss of some symptoms that led my doctor to schedule an immediate ultrasound (baby is fine). Still, I would have thought/hoped that scare would reinforce my determination to eat well. Was I being naieve?

It's weird...usually I am either very queasy or craving foods. Even when I was doing not too well (prior to the pregnancy) I still ate a ton of vegetables on a daily basis...at least a good pound/day. This has just become part of my routine over the past 1 1/2 years. Now, the thought of peas (my favorite) makes my stomach turn...along with my other favorite veggies. Even my beloved oatmeal sounds gross.

Instead, I want sweet and mild things like fruit and vanilla yogurt, which is fine, but also lots of crap I should stay away from. I think I'm facing a food addiction/pregnancy double whammy. I am determined to have a healthy pregnancy though. I need to dig deep and do what's best for the baby and myself. I'm only 9 weeks and 2 days along. I can either stay healthy throughout the next seven months and hopefully have a smooth and uneventful birth, or I can balloon up and put myself and my child at risk. Put in those terms how could I possibly stuff another piece of pizza or whatever into my mouth?

Basically, I want to strike a healthy balance...healthy eating without being too strict on myself at a time when I need to chill out and be calm. How do women stay calm during pregnancy?! I wish I had some family to count on...I guess I'm feeling that pretty hard right now. I'm also very slow to make friends. Right now I'm looking for a pregnancy support group to join. So far no luck, but there must be one out there in my area (I definitely need the face to face contact).

Other than that, I think I might go back to OA. I'm not looking to lose weight, but I certainly need to learn how to eat regular healthy portions and just be satisfied. I am determined to model healthy eating behaviors for my child when the time comes. I firmly believe there is no reason that he or she should ever have to deal with food issues the way I do.

My doctor wants me to eat 1,800 calories a day. She is a firm believer in this. I figure that as long as I stick to 2,000 I will be just fine. That's my plan, along with an hour of moderately paced walking every morning...maybe some hand weights if I get over the fact that they bore the crap out of me. Pretty simple. Also, I take a prenatal vitamin and a fish oil capsule for fatty amino acids every morning. My water intake is somewhere around 64-96 oz. I'll have to slowly work the veggies back in...it's tough.

That's about it for now. A lot lies ahead of me.

Angie

The Fog

2008-10-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well, when I posted my first entry to this blog I was feeling pretty low, and frustrated with myself. Things have been spinning out of control since that first post. I'd love to be able to say that I've turned things around. I haven't.

What I can say is that I am trying to look at my behavior in a thoughtful way. I know why I have been bingeing each and every day. Depression. It's noone's fault. I am trying to be kind to myself. Depression is like driving through a thick fog, disorienting.

My food addiction leeches on to any stress in my life. There has been plenty of that, so the excuses for eating have been easy to come by. I know healthy living is the best medicine for depression, but I have felt paralyzed.

I read a post from a good friend's blog, and it was very uplifting. I have been isolating myself from the online weight loss community. Isolation is the worst thing for me right now, so maybe this blog will replace the support I used to get from YouTube. I could go back to making videos, but I just don't feel it. The great feeling I used to get from the mutual support has been replaced by numbness.

I'll end this post by promiseing that I will not stop trying.

2008-10-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I thought I'd give text blogging a try. I could use some motivation. I've come too far to FUCK this all up right? Wow, three a.m. post binge language. I have lost 150 lbs. and am thrilled with myself, really. I have accomplished amazing things, and given myself a new chance at life. Still, I have lost and regained the last 20 or so pounds over and over again during the past six months. I still have at least 70-80 pounds to lose, and I want to be done with this whole weight loss phase so that I can learn to eat like a healthy person. Oi. Things will hopefully look better tomorrow.